JEDSpeak

Enter Contest At Glad Rags

2012-01-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

Win gift certificates to purchase reusable feminine hygiene products from Glad Rags! Why do that? Reusable feminine hygiene products are much better for the environment, cost far less than purchasing disposable products monthly, are far more comfortable, and are much better for your body! Once you switch, you'll never go back. Skeptical? So was I! But I made the change years ago, and would never consider using disposable products again. For more information on some all natural reusable feminine hygiene products, please see my post by that name HERE. I really should do a follow-up post. That is fairly outdated now. Back then I was just trying things out. I know more about them now. But shoot any questions my way. I'm happy to respond.

To enter this contest please click HERE

All Natural All-Purpose Household Cleaner

2011-12-30T13:40:00.001-05:00

Combine the following for a hard-working and nice smelling (and completely toxin-free) household cleaner:

1 cup white vinegar
1 cup water
2 Tablespoons castile soup
10 drops essential oil of your choice

Read about essential oils online. Some may just provide a nice smell. Others have antibacterial, antifungal, antiviral, etc. properties.

FYI, for some reason, my castile soap initially clumped together when I added it to the vinegar/water mix, but by morning it was once again dispersed in the mix. This cleanser works well in a spray bottle or other container. Mix well before each use.

Selective Mutism At My House - Therapy Begins

2011-12-20T12:00:00.001-05:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - The Other Side of the Mountain

2011-12-14T11:26:00.001-05:00

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New Eyes Can See The Dawn

2011-12-10T08:48:00.001-05:00

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TGIF

2011-12-09T07:24:00.001-05:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - Endless

2011-12-08T09:00:00.001-05:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - From Sick Back To Anxious

2011-12-07T07:28:00.001-05:00

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Sick Days

2011-12-06T09:52:00.001-05:00

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Vacation (A Day in the Life)

2011-12-05T08:43:00.001-05:00

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Natural High

2011-12-03T18:14:00.001-05:00

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A Day In The Life

2011-12-02T07:29:00.001-05:00

I have felt like writing lately. I go through phases like this. So I'm just gonna gab about life. I feel good this morning. I slept well, despite little man waking up during the night and having a sneeze attack, and was so congested he sounded like a buzz saw. He had conked out on the early side after a small dose of Benedryl after breaking out in hives! Two days ago he told me his skin was itching. His was scratching his torso and his legs. I checked and didn't see anything, then put some diluted lavender essential oil on it. That seemed to do the trick. Yesterday morning I could see a small patch of hives on his cheek. Again, lavender oil did the trick. But later in the day my daughter informed me that he had hives again. They were on his face again, and this time he had them on both sides. One side was pretty significant. This time I put Caladryl on it. He didn't like the feel of it, but tolerated it just the same. By dinner time, he had hives on his chest, belly and back. Ugh! The only thing I could think of that might have touched his skin that we hadn't been using all along was the laundry detergent at my father's house. We stayed there over Thanksgiving break. So we put a shirt on him that had been washed here, but it didn't help. So more lavender, plus a small dose of Benadryl. He seemed to improve right away, but not surprisingly, was ready for bed as soon as we got upstairs. (Not unusual anyway) He slept fine until the sneeze attack early this morning.....Now he's up, and just informed me he's "getting more bee hives!" (He's 4) Sighs.... Oh, and after the sneeze attack hubby informed me that he "has it too" and that it will be a "sick weekend." Just a continuation of the week, really. So... more lavender... Now DD is starting her pre-school anxiety stuff. Her nose is so stuffy she can't breathe. (Not true) Her belly aches. She feels as if she's going to throw up. She does, in fact, go to the bathroom and dry heave a bunch. She is so exhausted she might fall asleep in class. (She slept fine all night) And so on. As we drive to school, she complains from the back seat in this tiny little voice reserved for times like this. I tell her, as I always do, that I can't hear her when she talks in that voice. I try, again, to explain to her what is happening to her. I point out the difference between physical sickness and emotional upset that causes physical sickness. I reminded her, again, that with "transition" anxiety, she feels anxious every school morning, and that once she is at school and in her routine, the anxiety lessens. She reminds me, again, that earlier this week, it didn't lesson, and she felt sick all day. (Sighs) So I pointed out that this was one time, vs about 800 times when it was the case. Anyhow, she shed a few tears on the way in the door, and I was gone. Ugh, I just hate how awful she feels every school morning. =( Wah! So DS and I went home to address his "bee" hives again. A little more lavender seems to be working today. A little diffused eucalyptus should help with his congestion. And now we're watching a movie as I enjoy a cuppa joe. Now.... a few minutes to worry about what the heck to get everyone for Christmas. Bleh. My dear SIL sent me a list for her kids, so that's awesome. And when my brain takes a break, I'm enjoying thinking about the shirt I designed in my dream two mornings ago! I think it would be fun to try to make it a reality. =) But Christmas ideas first! (Work before play!) As always, I'm glad it's Friday, but come Saturday morning, and the inevitable battle between DH and DD over whether we're going out or staying in, I always wonder why. I hope to hear from the Selective Mutism Center today!

Selective Mutism At My House - Seeking Professional Guidance

2011-11-30T12:38:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I sent an email to the Selective Mutism Center in Philadelphia, PA, requesting information on getting an in-person, comprehensive evaluation done for our daughter. I have done a lot of reading on their website, and I'm finding even more reasons to be convinced of this diagnosis for her. The site mentioned such behaviors as bladder problems, (my daughter, when anxious, becomes absolutely fixated on needing to use the bathroom) defiance, (if she feels out of control of a situation she becomes defiant and stubborn, especial with DH,) all sorts of physical symptoms such as headaches, belly aches, and so on. Anyhow, it spurs me on.

Today has been a day! My daughter, after being out of school for two days with a genuine stomach bug, put on such a show this morning that she actually convinced me that she was still sick with it. This was after her being much better the second day out of school, and one day back at school. She was completely fine. But the lengths this little girl goes to to prove that she is not is truly heartbreaking to me. I told my husband on the phone that even though this morning's physical symptoms were due to anxiety and not physical illness, they are still there, and they are real! That doesn't mean that staying home from school is justified - just the opposite. But she had me fooled. The job of making the decision in the morning as to whether she's really feeling awful, or just very nervous, is very, very hard! It sucks, to be quite frank. My husband felt that she had manipulated me. Is it manipulation? I'm not entirely convinced of that. Did she want the day off? Yes indeed. Did she play things up to get that? Yes. But was it manipulative? Maybe. But maybe her anxieties are intense enough that she dupes herself, too. In any event, I do hope the center gets back to me soon!

So the day continued. A long phone conversation with hubby gave me the opportunity to vent, then to feel better about my decision. Even though it was not the right one, darn it, I make the right one most of the time, and this little girl is upping the ante, improving her act, and works awfully darn hard to be convincing. What she has convinced me of is that what we are doing to help her through this is not nearly enough. I am a person who would rather do most anything than resort to medication, and I think medication might be in order for her. Just long enough to allow us to put some other coping mechanisms into place. In the meantime, I have a hard time blaming her for how she behaves, or the lengths she goes to to protect herself from her fears. How can I?

So then I had to decide what to do with her while I took DS to his music class. Do I take her, and give the message that she simply needs to go with me to wherever I need to go today? Or do I keep DS home because DD is "sick"? Or do I ask hubby to come home and stay with her while I take him? In the end, DH came home and stayed with DD. She does not like to stay with him, especially if DS is not here. So it was basically a "natural consequence" of her deciding to stay home today. It also allowed me the 40 minutes of peace that I get while he's in class. She put up an argument that she was going with me!! And she would NOT stay with Papa!! And so forth, but finally the idea sunk in. She finds these situations easier if she's allowed to call me on the phone, which I always allow. She called me a couple of times, but was completely calm throughout my absence. For the remainder of the afternoon I just kept reminding her that she needed to keep quiet since she was home sick. This was almost comical, because she was not sick in the slightest, and did not want to remain on the couch! Again, natural consequence. She asked for all sorts of things, in particular a popsicle, which she has wanted for several days. I told her that it was not a good idea to fill her dodgy, healing belly with garbage, and that she would have to wait until she was feeling better. Well, that put her in a spot! She also asked to play outside, and started to run around the house with her brother. No, no, no! said Mama. Funny. Anyhow, she has already started to make protests about going tomorrow, but this woman is prepared to play it tough! Not that I like to be that way, I truly don't. But that's the position I'm in. Alas! So after returning from a trip to the store with both kids, and another reminder that she shouldn't be running around the house if she's sick, I gently pointed out to her (again) that she was experiencing anxiety this morning, and that once the pressure of school was taken away, she was fine. I asked if she understood that. She replied, "Sort of." Well, that's something.

Surrounded

2011-11-16T20:06:00.000-05:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - A Family Affair

2011-11-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - Cycling

2011-11-09T09:18:00.002-05:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - Failure? Success!

2011-10-14T09:30:00.000-04:00

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Tea Tree Oil As Antibacterial (etc.)

2011-10-12T09:14:00.000-04:00

From http://www.WebMD.com: "Tea tree oil comes from the Australian paperbark tree and has been used traditionally as a folk remedy by Australian aborigines. There are close to 300 varieties of Melaleuca alternifolia (the Latin name for the tea tree), but only one produces the medicinal oil...According to naturopathic and homeopathic doctor Asa Hershoff, DC, of Los Angeles and San Francisco, tea tree oil has antibacterial, antifungal, and antiviral properties..."

For months now, I have been using tea tree oil (Melaleuca alternifolia) exclusively to treat any number of skin issues. I use it on myself, my husband, and my children. I have watched tea tree quickly resolve minor infections. It helped to heal a boil that had been present for months and simply would not go away, but became irritated again and again. If the kids get scrapes or booboos that are dirty or have high infection possibilities, I apply tea tree as a preventative measure. And it works. It does not sting, like some EOs can (lavender, for example.) And a little goes a long way. Tea tree can be diluted if desired. Just add a couple of drops of tea tree to sweet almond oil, or any good carrier oil.

I was told by a holistic practitioner that it is important not to overdo essential oil application. She suggested applying an oil once or twice a day for one or two days, then taking a day or two off for rest, repeating as needed. I have followed that advice with good results.

I buy Tea tree oil from Young Living, whose prices tend to high but their products are all therapeutic grade. You can find it online at a number of places. It is probably available at Whole Food Markets and others.

Selective Mutism At My House - School Field Trips

2011-10-07T13:46:00.003-04:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - "I Hate"

2011-09-30T12:26:00.003-04:00

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Selective Mutism At My House - Reading

2011-09-18T13:35:00.001-04:00

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Selective Mutism At My House

2011-09-18T12:50:00.002-04:00

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There's A Mouse In My House

2011-08-31T08:21:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, my 7-year-old walked into the kitchen saying, "Aw, isn't it cuuuttee?" Uh-oh, I thought. What now? In her had was this little guy. Emphasis on little. It was obvious the damn cat had been at it again. He kills and/or maims everything he can get his paws on. Dear daughter found this mouse near her sand pit. I grabbed the first box I could find, and some polyester fiberfill from my sewing room. Instant nest. What now? I went online and did a search on "What to feed a baby rodent." We went out and bought evaporated milk, eggs, and corn syrup. (Weird, right?) We mixed and put some in a eye dropper. This little guy was definitely going to have to get used to eating this way, and we were going to have to get used to having a newborn in the house again! He has a gash on one side, thanks to the #$%^ cat, so I prepared my daughter for the worst. I was pretty sure this guy wouldn't last the afternoon, let alone the night. Regardless, we held him, fed him what he would take, and did our best to clean him up. (The formula gets everywhere) His eyes are not yet opened, but he does have fur. I read that in order to make sure his systems work properly, it is necessary to gently rub the private area, and that without this step, the mouse would surely die. We did it. We offered him food every hour. When awake, the little guy got quite active. He was obviously strong for his age, and not so broken inside that he couldn't move around. We got ready for bed. Around midnight, I woke up, worried. Hubby told me the mouse was squeaking like crazy. I got up and prepared to feed him. (Yes, I'm certain it's a him.) The little guy was absolutely frozen. Shoot! I held him and fed him and he quickly warmed up. I set him back in the box, and went back to bed. Hubby woke me at 4:30 a.m. when he got up, and I got ready to feed him again. He was ice cold! I held him again and fed him. Most feedings he's not eating much, but he did eat quite a bit at one feeding. I was nervous to leave him again, but returned him to his box. I brought him into the bedroom, thinking it might be a bit warmer in there. I returned to bed, but shortly afterwards, he started squeaking. I picked him up and held him in my hand while lying in bed. He calmed down right away. Poor little guy! My daughter woke up at that point, and we both went downstairs. After that feeding and holding session, both mouse and girl went back to sleep. I have since been reading online, and (lightbulb!) read that a heating pad under the box would work wonders. He has one now. Wish I had thought of that last night! Better late than never. I've also read that a stuffed animal gives them comfort. (Really?) And I've read that baby mice can be fed kitten or puppy or HUMAN formula. So today, we will go shopping for a more proper home for him, and more food. I've read that once a baby mouse gets to be a few weeks old, you can skip the night time feedings. (Oy!) Also, when he's ready for solid food, he can have banana baby food! Anyhow, I'll update as he (hopefully!) progresses. Now to go check on him...

The update is that after purchasing a bunch of stuff for Muzzy the mouse, he passed away. Very sad. We enjoyed knowing him for the short time we got.

Follow-Up To Experiment In Parenting

2011-07-10T08:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I wrote about changing things at home - adding more responsibility to the children, and encouraging more independence. I want to write a little bit about our first day. First of all, I filled my husband in on the plan, because consistency is key. To his credit, he did follow through with the plan, even while I was away. lol. Anyhow, for each meal we have asked the kids to clean up the table, which tends to be a catch-all during the day. We've then asked them to set the table, and to clear their dishes after the meal. Results? They do it. The first time, it was like a game. Both seemed to enjoy the tasks. After the first time, my oldest said, "We're doing this again?" But did so. The younger one needs much more one-on-one attention with this stuff, but he'll do what he's asked to do. Yesterday I asked my oldest to do a load of laundry. She did. At first she protested a little, but once she started, she actually said, "This is fun!" And this morning, she "reminded" me that today is our son's turn. (We were out all day, so time didn't allow his load to go through too) I have asked both kids to put their pjs in a basket on the stairs when they dress, and they do so. Not a lot to ask, and it takes reminders to myself some of the time, but if we keep it up, it will become part of the flow. It's a good start.

Experiment In Parenting - A Montessori Approach

2011-07-08T11:21:00.000-04:00

A couple of minutes ago, the Head of School for my daughter's Montessori school sent around the link to a YouTube video on one person's view of the comparison between traditional education and Montessori education. Whenever I see something like this, I think about how much Montessori education has meant to us as a family. My daughter spent her first year at Montessori last year, and being a child with anxiety issues which effect everything that she does, we were and are stunned by the changes that have occurred over the year. I give most of this credit to her. She has grown so much, and has taken on the challenges the anxiety presents to her with incredible strength and perseverance. But I also credit the school, the Montessori method, and her wonderful teacher. So much so that I have made it my mission to do as much as I can to help the school grow and flourish, so that it is available to her, to us, for as long as possible.

But I also compare the Montessori method of teaching to my parenting style, and vow to make changes. Then life happens, I make much smaller changes than I intend on, and life continues as is.

So today I am going to vow, again, to make some changes at home, that loosely reflect the Montessori method at school. Here are my thoughts.

First of all, I am going to ask the children to take on more of the responsibilities for making the house run smoothly. I started to do a little of this. Such as occasionally asking them to set the table. More frequently, asking them to bring their dishes to the sink. When I am with them at pj time, sometimes, I set the pjs in front of them, and ask them to get themselves changed, rather than doing it for them. I am going to try to be more consistent with this, and have it become part of the routine. I also plan to ask the children to complete one load of laundry every Saturday, from washing through putting them away. This will have the added (sighs) benefit of forcing me to have the dryer empty, and the laundry baskets empty as well!

I have gotten a bit lazy about making the kids, for example, turn the tv off during lunch. I have mixed feelings, and that is obvious because some days I reinforce this rule, and other days, I don't. I find myself feeding my kids sometimes, while they lounge on the couch. Yikes! I am going to try something new: when we are home, I will ask the children to turn off the tv, to set the table, and to help prepare and serve lunch. I don't think it will be a big deal to them. They are pretty easy-going, and I have always found that kids work well with routine.

My daughter works on reading every day, because she is too timid (Selective Mutism) to read out loud at school. I need to figure out how to work the Montessori method into this as well. She hates reading, and it can be a giant struggle getting her to focus. This is a hard one for me to figure out, because Montessori suggests that children should learn at their pace, yet at the same time there is concern that she'll fall behind for her grade level, and that it would be noticeable to her. So I force her to study every day. She'll complain, but then she'll realize she can read something while we're out and about, and she's obviously pleased by that. So .... anyhow, I stick to my guns with that, despite her protests. On the other hand, she loves the workbook work we do, so maybe I should allow her to do just workbook, which does involve some reading. Though that doesn't feel like enough. I don't know. I just want her to be in a place where she feels confident in the classroom, despite her shyness, and that means work at home.

Anyhow, I'll start here, and see how things go.

Warning! Sentry Natural Defense Flea and Tick Treatment is Dangerous For Cats!

2011-05-11T10:23:00.002-04:00

On Friday, May 6th, I went to Benson's Pet Center with the sole purpose of purchasing some flea and tick repellent for our two cats. I went to the check-out counter and asked an employee to help me find some natural repellent. I prefer to avoid toxic chemicals whenever possible, for us, and for the cats. She took me right to a display that is in full view of the counter, at the front of a very full store. She pointed out this product: Sentry Natural Defense Natural Flea & Tick Squeeze-On for Cats & Kittens. "That was easy!" I said to the employee, and bought the stuff, for $13.50.

That afternoon, my daughter and I applied the stuff to both cats. I had read every word on the box, and was a little surprised at the recommendation of wearing both gloves and eye protective gear while applying this product, which claimed to be "Safe for USe Around Children and Pets." Hm. Very shortly after applying the stuff, our male cat started to scratch at the application site. Now cats do not like anything applied to their fur or skin, so I noted the reaction, and kept an eye. Now the reason for applying the stuff in the first place was that our daughter had found a fully engorged tick in the house, under a chair where our male cat likes to sleep. Over the next couple of days, the cat continued to scratch at his neck. And on Sunday, we realized he had a tick there. Ok, so I figured the scratching was due to that. The cat went out for a few minutes, then came in, and I went to remove the tick. It had fallen off on its own, outside, thank goodness. (YUK) Monday morning, my daughter held the cat on her lap, and noticed that he was trembling. I looked, and yes, he had developed a tremor in his head. I called the vet, and brought him in, along with the flea/tick treatment I had applied. A short while later, one of the doctors called me to say that she had done some online research on the essential oils in the product, and found that one, in particular, clove oil, had strong suggestions against use on cats. (The product is 7.0% clove oil) She said also that peppermint is not well tolerated by cats. (The product is 10.0% peppermint oil) She told me that these ingredients can cause liver and kidney damage, and recommended blood work to test. I agreed, of course, and thank goodness, the tests came back normal. She told me the cat had been bathed, to remove the product, and that he would be bathed again before I picked him up. She then informed me that she had called the company that makes this "natural" product, Sentry, and filed a claim with them! She said she'd give me the information to do the same, once the cat is healthy again. (Why I had to wait for that I'm not sure) To add insult to injury, the cat had THREE more ticks removed while at the vet. So not only is the stuff toxic, but un-effective! Add to that the vet bill of $151.50. Gads!!

The cat has been home for two days now, and seems to be doing well. I have noticed no more tremors, and he is no longer scratching at the area we applied the product. We have washed the area of the other cat as well as we can, and she seems ok, though she did vomit this morning (Wednesday.) Related? I don't know.

The vet informed me that no flea and tick remedies are 100% effective, but she did recommend Front Line, which is applied in the same way that the Sentry stuff is apparently. She said that you weigh the pros and cons when using anything like this. I have yet to use anything else on the cats, and have yet to see another tick.... sighs.... but the cats are now only allowed to occupy one room in the house, which is closed off to the rest of the house. And they can go out.

I have to say that I am so disappointed in this company. I use essential oils in my home and on myself and my family, and like any medication, they must be tested and used with caution. It is so very irresponsible of this company to misuse them in this way. It's dangerous for the cats, makes all-natural products seem unsafe and dangerous, and in that way, promotes the use of toxic chemicals. When used appropriately (with lots of thorough research) natural products are far safer than the chemicals we assume are safe because they are widely marketed.

Additional Information:

The ingredients listed for the Sentry Natural Defense flea and tick product:

Active Ingredients:
peppermint oil 10.00%
clove oil 7.00%
lemon grass oil 3.0%

Other Ingredients:
canola oil, vanillin, citric acid 80.00%

A couple of websites with information about essential oils and cats:

essential oil safety and cats

essential oil and cats: a potentially toxic mix - the website includes a list of some essential oils that are known to be toxic to cats. The first on the list is peppermint oil.

do essential oils kill cats? - this website claims that it is not the essential oils that are harmful to cats, but the additives. It claims that therapeutic grade e.o.s can be used. Hm... not sure if I agree with this! It is well documented that several e.o.s are dangerous for cats - in any form! Here's a quote from this site: "Like their other senses, cats have an acute sense of smell. They are usually not too keen on being treated with essential oils – so it can take some ingenuity to sneak up on them and apply any oils." What?! Why would anyone do that? It devastates me that this kind of suggestion is out there. Cats have far better instincts in general as to what is good for them and what is not than humans do. We might do well to pay more attention to what they do!

There is lots and lots of information on the internet about all this. Do a quick search online on clove oil and cats. It's pretty clear. While clove oil is great as an insecticide, it is also pretty good way to get rid of your cats! The cats cannot metabolize the oils, they become toxic, and the cats suffer from liver failure. Essential oils and cats DO NOT MIX! Lesson learned.

Trauma

2011-04-02T08:16:00.001-04:00

On Monday, March 28th, my children and I were in a terrible car accident. While returning home from posting a notice at the vet's about our missing cat, we were rear-ended while stopped to turn into our road. This car pushed us into oncoming traffic, and we were hit again by a man traveling the other way. It was horrible, surreal, shocking, and a thousand other things. Although there are a few little things I remember, my entire focus was on my children. I recall saying, "We're ok, we're ok, we're ok" over and over again. Hoping, praying, that it was true. Both children cried right away (the pediatrician later asked this.) They didn't scream, as I recall. But cried, yes. Not me. I was in Mama-mode the entire time. Make the children ok as soon as possible. So I talked at them and went right to them. I don't remember at all if I put the car in gear, or turned it off.... I must have at least put it in park. My only recollection is that the air bag deployed, and that it seemed smaller than I thought it would be. I don't remember if it hit me. I don't remember if I hit anything. My glasses flew off my face. I got out of the car and opened the rear driver's side door to get the children out of the car. I held my son and put my arm around my daughter, and walked us across the street to the grass. I thought I was heading toward our road, but I was heading toward the opposite road. During the accident, my car had been turned completely around, so we ended up facing the opposite direction. Without glasses and being so stunned, it took me several minutes to realize this. I remember realizing the corner didn't look like our street, and trying to find the street sign. My son stopped crying shortly after getting out of the car. My daughter continued to cry for several minutes. Strangers came up to offer their help. I particularly remember two people, who stayed near us for the duration. A tall, thin man, who offered his car, his coat, his scarf, and a blanket that belongs to his infant child. We took all but the car, my daughter being uncomfortable with that idea. A woman, older than me, with light colored hair. I actually told this woman my name, and she mine, but the information is gone. Several other people offered us the warmth of their car. Only my daughter was wearing her coat. Eventually, after a police officer offered his car, my son asked to sit in it. My daughter stood outside the door for a few minutes, then indicated that she'd like to get in, too. I tried to light-heartedly show the kids the emergency vehicles as they arrived, and the inside of the police car. My son noticed my driver's license and car documents in a clip on the inside of the police car and said, "Is that your picture on the roof?" Surreal. Two neighbors showed their faces and offered their help. The police officer offered to get things from the car, and the only thing I could think to request was my glasses. (Cell phone? Coats? Didn't even cross my rattled mind) Before getting into the police car, I asked the tall man if I could use his cell phone, and I called my husband and asked him to come get the kids. My daughter was getting upset by the sight of the car. A first responder did his best to check us for physical complaints. I turned down a hospital visit. I thought getting home was best for the children. Hubby arrived, and shortly thereafter we were given a print-out of the information of all of the driver's, and were ok to go home.

My car saved our lives. And kept us from serious injury. My daughter had a small scratch on her cheek. My son had a mark on his neck where his seat belt did its job. I developed a bruise on my left knee.

But we didn't walk away unscarred. I physically quaked for about three days. I am still reliving the accident at least once a day, typically at night as I try to rest. My daughter is having dreams about the accident. She had one this morning. My son keeps asking about the car. And as time goes on, I process. As the total shock starts to wear off, my feelings start to come through. How utterly lucky we were to come away physically unscathed. Several people commented about this fact. Including the police officer on the scene. Which car were you in? THAT one? That's a good car!! Then the total unrailing of our lives. Initally, my husband having to leave work suddenly to come help us. Saying goodbye to my car as the remains were hauled onto a flatbed truck and taken away. Comforting my traumatized children and reassuring them that right now it was ok for Papa to drive on the grass in order to keep out of the way of the cars that had to be rerouted around the scene. Telling the police officer that there was nothing in the car he could get for me, because my mind was a total blank. Home. Headache. Fear. Exhaustion. I don't know what we did for the remainder of the day. I really don't know. We all fell into bed exhausted.

Phone calls. My version of the accident to my insurance company, and to the one of the man who hit us from the front. Four days later, a letter from the insurance company of the woman who hit us. I had to call them. A woman, telling me that there was a limit on what they would pay! But a strong suggestion to replace the car seats, and charge the insurance company. Excellent. The front-hitter's company sent letter, too. They want a form filled out, and a drawing done. They also took a recorded statement over the phone. Hope you're ok, sorry that happened, we'll take care of things, etc. But please rate us a 10 in the survey. (Holy...)

At the suggestion of several friends (over Facebook, where is everyone?) I took the kids and myself to our doctors and had us checked out. As I knew, we were all physically fine, but now there is a record that we followed through with this.

I badly needed someone to talk things through with during the first couple of days. But that wasn't do-able because I was using borrowed time from hubby as it was to get the kids and me checked out, to be one the phone for long periods, to get us from here to there. So I talked to him, one night, in tears. But because of that 10 minutes of being able to shake at him and express my upset, I was able to sleep. I am feeling better every day. On top of the stress, the second night, my son was up at 3:30 a.m. He didn't express upset, but was wide awake, for the duration of the morning. So I was exhausted upon exhausted upon tired upon shaken etc and so forth. And then, during that same night, the cat, who had been gone for 7 days, appeared at the back door. Causing me to break out in tears, not knowing what emotion to allow to surface first. And then hearing my daughter say, the next day, that the accident was the cat's fault, because we were coming home from the vet when it happened.

But it's Saturday, and I'm feeling a lot closer to normal now.

So today's job is to help my daughter process all of this. To help her to understand why she is dreaming about the accident. To understand that it's ok to feel nervous about it all, even though the fault was not ours. How I shook while getting in the car for two days. For a couple of days, when we'd get into hubby's car, she would ask me not to "break Papa's car" and I would remind her that we did nothing wrong. And she would say, "I forgot." Yesterday, she asked me if I was awake enough to take her to school. I don't take offense. I understand.

Originally, I set out to write about the stages of trauma, which I looked up this morning in order to better help my daughter, primarily, but all of us, to get through all of this. And I ended up moving myself along the stages. Hm. It all makes me feel so tired.

Eucalyptus Globulus Essential Oil For Cold/Chest Congestion

2011-04-01T11:41:00.003-04:00

I have a cold that has been going on for more than a week. It went through all the basic phases, and I was well on the way to recovery when some stressful events prevented the good rest and sleep required to nip the sucker in the bud. So it's lingering. And it's in my chest. I figured that in order to give my body the extra boost it needs to get on top of this thing, I'd look into essential oils for chest congestion. As I have read before for colds, I found that eucalyptus is recommended for chest congestion. I read that HERE.
I bought some recently, to use with the kids when they get sick. As suggested, I put 3 drops of eucalyptus globulus essential oil in a bowl, and poured some boiling water over it. I breathed in the steam for about two minutes (five minutes was recommended, but I have a 3-year-old) I am waiting to see how effective this is. I will do this again tonight, and will diffuse some in our bedroom before we go to sleep. It is supposed to loosen things up, but also help zap the bug that's causing it to begin with. I'll come back with my results.

Ok, it has been maybe 45 minutes, and my cough is much reduced. I can feel the eucalyptus in my chest. I have since looked up several more articles on chest congestion, and the majority of those recommended eucalyptus oil, among others. Peppermint e.o. is also frequently suggested. I have learned that the idea of steam inhalation with eucalyptus is that the steam helps to open the chest allowing the e.o.s to get in there and kill the virus/bacteria. So at this point I can say that the treatment is giving me some relief. Time will tell if it will actually help to end this cold/bug.

My sinuses started to bother me about 3.5 hours after my first eucalyptus treatment, so I just did another one. I felt pretty good for that amount of time, though. Not without a cough at all, but a less persistent and productive one. The trial continues...

The Dangers of Lysol and Other "Cleaning" Products

2011-03-19T09:14:00.001-04:00

AKA The Dirt on Clean!

So often, since becoming a mom, I've heard people comment that after an illness sweeps through their home, they "Lysoled" or "Bleached" everywhere. And my reaction (in my head only until now) is to wonder if, by cleaning with these products, are we doing more harm than good. Yes, bleach will kill a cold germ, and Lysol will make the house smell as if it's been cleaned. But at what price? I was curious, so I started to do a little research. Here is some info. I found on my first search, first article:

This website claims:

Keep Lysol spray out of the reach of children and do not expose your children or pets to the spray. Do not spray on or near food because of the risk of ethanol poisoning."
Yuk. Sounds discouraging. What else?
Ethanol
- Shingleberrysigns.com
  "Ethanol is the primary ingredient in Lysol spray and is highly flammable, especially under pressure. Prolonged inhalation in a closed environment will create headaches, cough, fatigue and drowsiness. Skin exposure might result in severe redness and burning. Lysol spray uses denatured ethanol, which can cause ethanol poisoning when ingested."
Ok, so what's good about it?

From the same website:

"It is (also) recommended as a disinfectant for classroom use rather than bleach because Lysol (which is a phenol) will not damage clothing. When used on non-porous surfaces, Lysol will kill most bacteria including: staph MRSA and strep; E.coli; salmonella; and campylobacter."

So it's a balance, right? You risk something to get something. Let's look at bleach.

From this website:
"...household bleach, without having been mixed with other products, can cause pulmonary edema, vomiting or coma if ingested."
Delightful. What else?
"The dangers of bleach are significant to your health and the health of your family. Accidents have happened where one person adds toilet bowl cleaner and another, following behind, will inadvertently add bleach. The noxious gasses have been found to cause fatal injuries."

So the question is, why would anyone have these things in their homes? Especially with kids and pets around? Because we think we are doing more good than harm, right? We've been conditioned to believe we need these things to keep ourselves and our families safe from illness.

So what are the alternatives? Well, let's see what an internet search on "safe household cleaners" results in.

My first search landed me on the website of the Shaklee company, one I have come across before. While I am having some trouble finding a source of what exactly is in there cleaning products, I came across an interesting bit on what makes other chemical household cleaners dangerous. Read that HERE.

And they claim: "...we were the first company in the world to obtain Climate Neutral™ certification and totally offset our CO₂ emissions, resulting in a net zero impact on the environment."

That's nice. But I still can't find the ingredients of their products. Think I'll send them a message. In the meantime, some hold music....doododooddoododooodtumdedeeelalateedaaa....

Well, I did hear back from Shaklee, and they sent me a pdf of every product and every ingredient. Hm. That's a company who has nothing to hide! Rather impressive. I haven't yet figured out how to share some of that info. here, but when I do, I will. I guess the bottom line is that if you can use something safe to do the same job as something unsafe...... USE IT. And there is nothing wrong with the old stand-bys, too. Vinegar, baking soda... hot water! I also use castile soap, which I like a lot.

Health Eating - Baked Chick Peas

2011-03-03T17:07:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, while munching on chick peas from a can, I did a quick search on chick peas. I came across a recipe for baked chick peas. So I made a batch. I'm not sure what I think about them. I like that they're crunchy, but I have not seasoned them to my preference yet. But I'll keep trying to see if I can. Here's how to do it:

Rinse a can of chick peas, and coat them lightly in olive oil. Season however you like. Sugar and cinnamon, garlic, or any spice combo you'd like to try.

Preheat your oven to 400*. Spread the chick peas on a cookie sheet, and bake for about 40 minutes. Given them a stir every 10 minutes or so.

The first batch I made came out crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside. I used a glass pan, a little more olive oil than it took to coat, and left them in the pan to cool. The second batch came out crunchy. I used a metal cookie sheet (see photo,) olive oil just to coat, and I transferred the chick peas to a bowl right out of the oven. Though many use garlic powder, I tried cinnamon and (weird) salt the first time, and preferred that to the garlic powder and salt. I'm still playing with it, and will post with any winning combinations.

This website says this (and more) about the health benefits of chickpeas:

"Garbanzo beans (chickpeas)
provide an excellent source of
molybdenum. They are a very
good source of folic acid, fiber,
and manganese. They are also a
good source of protein, as well
as minerals such as iron, copper,
zinc, and magnesium"

*They also discuss potentially harmful issues for those with gout and/or kidney stones.

Candida Diet vs. GAPS diet

2011-02-19T10:10:00.002-05:00

I have made the decision to switch from the anti-candida diet to the GAPS (Guts and Psychology Syndrome) diet.

I have been following the anti-candida diet for about 1.5 months to date, and have noticed the following changes in myself: My constant sinus issues disappeared. That happened pretty much right away. My bloated belly issues also disappeared right away. My "cycle" changed a little, in that it starts, stops for a couple of days, then starts again. (related? I don't know) I get cold. Every day, while at home, I get cold. If not my entire self, my hands. Very strange. This may have to do with drinking coffee somehow. I dunno. Another thing is that my appetite for coffee has increased (I though with the removal of sweeteners it might decrease...) I am sure this has do to with appetite suppression. The only other change that I am acutely aware of is that I'm hungry all the time. Part of that is I'm simply not good at feeding myself well. I am not a cook, so I tend to grab what's easy, such as nuts and sunflower seeds, and occasionally eat something more filling, such as a salad or an egg. I have been lucky to have wonderful, filling dinners a la hubby. But I'm hungry all the time. I also went through a brief period where I felt quite anxious, and one night I had a glass of wine. The result was that the anxiety in my body went away, and the anxiety in my mind lessened. So I started to have a glass every night. Not lots of wine, just enough to bring that sense of calm. I also have continued to drink coffee every morning since beginning the diet, only removing the sweetener. I continue to add half and half or creamer. Coffee, coffee lighteners, and alcohol are taboo on the anti-candida diet, so I haven't been strict. But other than these things, I have followed the diet very closely, having no additional sugars, no carbs from wheat (I have eaten rice, which is ok), no dairy other than feta cheese, and so on.

Yesterday after re-reading (for the millionth time) the anti-candida "ok" and "not ok" food lists, I decided to check back on the GAPS diet to see if that would make sense for me at this point. If the additional things I'm eating aren't upsetting my system, and if it allows some foods that will help me to feel full and expand my diet a bit, I'm all for it. So.....

In the next few weeks I will be adding back to my diet: fruit! cheese! and other wonderful things. I will be paying close attention to my sinuses (dairy??) and my belly, of course.

It's funny how freeing the GAPS diet seems from this perspective. When I tried the GAPS diet in the past (last summer) it was too restrictive, and I couldn't stick with it! The anti-candida diet is much more restrictive and I've managed to stick with that ok. (other than my vices....) So I'm excited and looking forward to the changes. Here's hoping the changes are all good!

Metamucil Can Cause Heartburn

2011-01-21T08:35:00.001-05:00

I have been using Metamucil, about every other day or so, for months. Hubby and I started taking one glass of powder in water in the evening after he received some blood work indicating his lipid count was slightly high. Metamucil can help reduce cholesterol. (See my post Metamucil For Lowering Cholesterol)

For about a week, I have been getting heart burn nightly. I have had a few dietary changes over the last few weeks (see my posts on the Anti-Candida Diet) including a giant increase in my consumption of nuts and seeds, and lemon juice. I also take fish oil capsules, and have been told by one person that fish oil caused them to get heart burn. So basically, my thoughts were everywhere but on the Metamusil. By process of elimination, I got there. So this morning I decided to do a little internet searching just to eliminate the possibility. Bingo, I've found my source.

Here are a couple of places where others have indicated having the same issue:

Here

And here

Neither of these gives any explanation as to why this occurs in some people, but shows that others have experienced the same effects I am. I'll try to find something a little more scientific...

I have to add that after doing a bunch of reading, there are other side effects as well. Before taking Metamucil, do a little research. If you have a pre-existing condition for which you are taking Metamucil, or other fiber supplement, read what others with a similar condition have experienced. Some with ulcerative colitis or other conditions have had difficulty tolerating Metamucil. For some, it is a wonderful, side-effect-free experience with many bonuses. For others, not so much.

UPDATE: Since writing this, I have decided to try experimenting with flavorless Metamucil to see if made a difference in how well my belly tolerated it. I bought this:

I wanted to give it a few days to see if that made a difference. I have now taken this kind (description below) three times, in the evening.

Metamucil, Clear and Natural, Clear-Mixing Powder. Flavor-free and taste-free, this one is made from 100% inulin, natural vegetable fiber. This kind calls for one TEAspoon per 8+ ounces of water. (The orange flavor kind calls for one TABLEspoon per 8+ ounces of water.

I have had no heartburn at all with this product. It is quite different from the orange flavored kind. It stirs clear in the water, and you cannot tell it's in there when you drink it. Very different from the orange kind, which is very obvious in the water (despite the flavor) as it is very thick. The longer it sits in the water, the thicker it becomes. If you don't stir as you drink, you can end up with a sludge at the bottom of the glass. It's a very different experience, and so far, a better one for me. For those with physical reactions to the other kind, it's definitely worth a try. And who needs the flavor, really. And who needs the sugar?? I'm glad to have found an alternative.

Candida Diet - Maintenance Phase

2011-01-18T11:12:00.001-05:00

I have been on the anti-candid diet since Christmas eve. And I have to say it has not been a hard diet for me to stick with. I like it! How strange. To be fair, I still drink coffee every morning (against the rules) and I take metamusil in water about every other night or so, which is flavored and sweet. (Definitely against the rules) Other than these two transgressions, I have been very good about sticking to the "ok foods" list. I never did experience the belly upset I got on the GAPS diet, and my bloated belly has discontinued. Occasionally I get an edgy belly, and I have yet to figure out what is causing it, but it's still early on in the process. I have discovered that replacing meals like breakfast with nuts and seeds is not the best idea. =) My belly doesn't like that. Ok, ok. I've got to be better about creating good breakfasts for myself. That has always been true. It's my toughest meal. But I have also been experiencing this:

Heartburn. For about 4-5 nights in a row, I was getting indigestion. Heart burn. Very unusual for me. I wasn't sure what it could be. Someone told me once that fish oil caused them to get heartburn, but I've been taking fish oil, 2-3 times a day, for months and months. I wondered if it could be the lemon juice I use as salad dressing. Just by fate, I did not have salad for the last two nights. And I have not had heartburn for the last two nights. And I have taken the fish oil both evenings. Hm. Could it be that simple? Could it be that I'm greatly reducing the amount of nuts and seeds I'm consuming during the day. I will experiment and see what it could be. But because it went on for so many days in a row, and always in the evening/night time, I'm pretty sure it's something I'm eating every day. So it's a process of elimination. I will post back!

My favorite foods on this diet? Guacamole, salads with lots of veggies, lemon juice salad dressing.

*Next day* Just popping in to say that tonight I had my fish oil, Metamusil, and salad with lemon juice dressing. I had some nuts/seeds, but way fewer than I had been eating. And tonight I have no indigestion. At least not yet. Hm. I'm a bit surprised. I kinda thought it would turn out to be the lemon juice. But it's looking more like the nuts/seeds. Maybe I'll do some research on that.

Parsley

2011-01-12T21:36:00.001-05:00

After dinner tonight, my daughter went seeking nibbles in the fridge, and found a bag of parsley. Much to my husband's and my surprise, she nibbled some. Then ate the rest f the stalk. Then she ate several more stalks. Then she asked to have some in her lunchbox for school tomorrow! My husband stated that "No one eats parsley!" I chimed in that I actually love the taste of parsley, and used to eat it right out of the garden. He wondered about it's health benefits. Just for fun, I looked it up. !

From the website Natural Health Techniques:

Parsley (Petroselinum crispum), the world's most popular culinary herb is also known as “rock celery” and belongs to the Umbelliferae family of plants. Parsley is one of the world's seven most potent disease-fighting spices which also include Ginger, Oregano, Cinnamon, Turmeric, Sage, and Red chili peppers. (emphasis min)

The website then lists a whole bunch of ways parsley helps the body maintain and regain normal functioning. Surprising. Here are just a few:

· Anemia: Builds up the blood because it is high in iron. The high vitamin C content assists the absorption of iron.

· Antioxidant: Increases the anti-oxidant capacity of the blood.

· Bactericidal (kills bacteria)

Bad breath
Baldness: Believe it or not, men even scrubbed parsley onto their scalps to cure baldness—which doesn’t work.
Blood purifier
Blood vessel rejuvenation: Maintains elasticity of blood vessels, and helps to repair bruises.
Diarrhea is greatly helped by drinking parsley tea.
Digestion: Parsley is an excellent digestion restorative remedy. It improves the digestion of proteins and fats therefore promoting intestinal absorption, liver assimilation and storage. Because of its high enzyme content, parsley benefits digestive activity and elimination.
Dissolves cholesterol within the veins

Wow. Who knew? =)

Quinoa

2011-01-12T15:33:00.002-05:00

This morning, I made quinoa. What is it, you ask. I will tell you. But first, it's important that you pronounce it correctly. It is NOT qwin-oh-uh. =) It is pronounced keen-wah. Cool, what?

So. What is it? Check this out:

The Wise Geek website says this and more...

"Though not technically a grain, quinoa can substitute for nearly any grain in cooking. Actually the seed of a leafy plant, quinoa’s relatives include spinach, beets and Swiss chard. Due to its delicate taste and rich amounts of protein, iron, potassium and other vitamins and minerals, it is quite popular. It is also a good source of dietary fiber and is easily digested."

It is interesting, there is no doubt. And if you're not a grainy-type, it will be an experience for you. It was for me. First of all, quinoa looks odd. It is shaped like little round things with tails. Yeah, tails! Kind of bug-like. Ew. Then it's got this crunch to it. It's odd. But it is not strong flavored. So if you can get past it's odd shape and crunch, you're in. For me, the more that's added to it, the better. On the package I buy, there is a recipe for Scarlett Quinoa Salad that has all kinds of stuff in it, including beets, that was actually really tasty. Even my 6-year old picky as can be daughter ate it, and really liked it. Yeah!

So if you're looking for something different to add to your diet, whether you're restricted by gluten, or yeast, or dairy or many allergenic foods, or just looking to change your food choices up a bit, give it a try!

Candida Diet - Middle of Week 3

2011-01-11T13:46:00.000-05:00

Here I am in the middle of my third week on this "diet" and I'm..... really liking it? Yes, I really am! That doesn't mean that I don't want what others are eating once in a while, but as a general rule, I am completely satisfied with what I am eating, and am very, very proud of myself for doing it! I do still have my coffee in the morning, but I went from 2 mugs of coffee with creamer and sugar or honey every morning to one mug of coffee (half-caff., as before) with a little bit of rice milk (or half and half or creamer if I'm out) with no sweetener. When I first cut back on amount, I immediately made myself a cup of tea to follow the mug of coffee so that I wouldn't "miss" the second cup, but after two days of that I realized I really didn't miss that second cup. I drank it because it was there. And now it's not...and that's ok. Yay, me. And hubby is not complaining about having to cook around my restrictions. He is making fantastic meals, as usual, that are ok for me to eat. Lucky, lucky me!!

I have had only one episode of funny belly since the first few days of the diet, and that was yesterday. A little bloating, just a little. I don't know what caused it. I can't think of anything from my diet that would have done it.... I dunno. Could be anything. But I think that's a good record anyhow. I have been getting a little indigestion, but that could be the fish oil. I dunno. I cleared that up today with peppermint oil. (LOVE peppermint oil)

So my plan is to wait until I've completed three weeks on the diet (this Friday) and will then reintroduce a food to see how it goes. (Much to my husband's joy - lol) I think the first will be potatoes.

Symptoms cleared? Well, my belly bloating, for the most part. My sinus pressure issues have pretty much gone away completely, thought I have sneezing and runny nose in the house, most likely due to the cats/dust. I'm still fuzzy headed, alas. I feel a little less down, but I think that's due to getting out of the house for a few minutes every day in the sunshine. Anyhow, progress. =)

Bonuses: I like what I'm eating, for the most part. LOVE my salads with lemon juice. I can't see going back to vinegar. I much prefer the lemon juice dressings. Another bonus, my kids eat better because I am buying healthy stuff. That makes me very happy. =)

The Health Benefits of Nuts and Seeds

2011-01-04T17:04:00.002-05:00

On the candida diet, I am not supposed to eat many of the "filler" foods I typically eat in large quantities. These include pasta, wheat crackers and bread, cheese, and so forth. And I am a person who grazes all day, and I eat a lot. I like to feel full! One of the hardest parts of going on any kind of diet is feeling satisfied after eating. It is probably the reason why so many fail to stick to a diet. It is essential to be surrounded by "ok" foods that make you feel full. For me, those "ok" foods include eggs, avocados, and seeds and nuts. Everything else is veggies and rice and such, which is great, just not filling. So on my kitchen counter is a collection of nuts and seeds and rice cakes. And I munch on them alllll day long. Granted, I have likely increased my fat intake quite a bit, but things will even out in the end. I just have to get used to eating differently. And so far, I have been satisfied, and that is the reason I am able to continue with the diet.

But a fun motivator is to look up the benefits of the foods I'm consuming a lot at the moment. So here goes. The benefits of eating seeds and nuts are....

According to this website:

"Researchers found that people who eat nuts regularly have lower risks of heart disease. In 1996, the Iowa Women's Healthy Study found that women who ate nuts >4 times a week were 40% less likely to die of heart disease."

...and...

"Nuts are one of the best plant sources of protein. They are rich in fiber, phytonutrients andantioxidants such as Vitamin E and selenium. Nuts are also high in plant sterols and fat - but mostly monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats (omega 3 - the good fats) which have all been shown to lower LDL cholesterol."

This website states the following:

"The amino acid arginine is also present in nuts which, as stated in this month's lead article on impotence, can help overcome erectile dysfunction. Arginine has also been found to boost immunity and lower elevated blood pressure levels. In addition, certain nuts like pecans, walnuts and almonds contain tryptophan - another amino acid that stimulates the production of the 'feel good' hormone serotonin in your brain, which can help ward off depression and promote a more relaxed state. "

From the same website:

"Another must are Brazil nuts. A recent study conducted at the University of Illinois in the US suggests that Brazil nuts may play a vital role in preventing breast cancer. According to the scientists who carried out the study, this benefit is probably a result of the high amounts of selenium they contain.

Selenium is a powerful antioxidant that helps neutralise harmful free radicals that can attack healthy cells and increase the risk of serious conditions like heart disease and cancer - including breast cancer as already mentioned, and lung, bowel and prostate cancer. "

Good stuff. Now for the seeds!

This website discusses the benefits of pumpkin seeds:

Prostate Protection
They promote overall prostate health and alleviate the difficult urination associated with an enlarged prostate.

Improved Bladder Function
In some studies, pumpkin seed extracts improved bladder function in animals.

Depression Treatment
They contain L-tryptophan, a compound naturally effective against depression.

Prevention of Osteoporosis
Because they are high in zinc, pumpkin seeds are a natural protector against osteoporosis. Low intake of zinc is linked to higher rates of osteoporosis.

Natural Anti-Inflammatory
Pumpkin seeds effectively reduce inflammation without the side effects of anti-inflammatory drugs.

Prevention of Kidney Stones
They prevent calcium oxalate kidney stone formation, according to studies.

Treatment of Parasites
They are used in many cultures as a natural treatment for tapeworms and other parasites. Studies also show them to be effective against acute schistosomiasis, a parasite contracted from snails.

Great Source of Magnesium
1/2 cup of pumpkin seeds contains 92% of your daily value of magnesium, a mineral in which most Americans are deficient.

Lower Cholesterol
Pumpkin seeds contain phytosterols, compounds that that have been shown to reduce levels of LDL cholesterol.

Cancer Prevention
The same phytosterols that lower cholesterol also protect against many cancers.

This website discusses the benefits of Flaxseed:

"(HealthCastle.com) Its high content of alpha linolenic acids has made the ancient flax seed become our modern miracle food. Alpha linolenic acid (ALA) is a type of plant-derivedomega 3 fatty acid, similar to those found in fish such as salmon. Benefits of flax seed as shown in many studies include lowering total cholesterol and LDL cholesterol (the Bad cholesterol) levels. Other benefits show that flax seed may also help lower blood triglyceride and blood pressure. It may also keep platelets from becoming sticky therefore reducing the risk of a heart attack.

Other Benefits of Flax seed

Aside from alpha linolenic acid, flax seed is rich in lignan. Lignan is a type phytoestrogen (antioxidant) and also provides fiber. Researches reveal that lignan in flax seed shows a lot of promise in fighting disease -- including a possible role in cancer prevention especiallybreast cancer. It is thought that lignan metabolites can bind to estrogen receptors, hence inhibiting the onset of estrogen-stimulated breast cancer."

Both of these are going on my shopping list along with Brazil nuts!!

The Benefits of Lemon Juice

2011-01-04T14:02:00.000-05:00

I have been attempting to follow the Anti-Candida Diet for about a week and a half. On most days, I have a salad with lunch or dinner. Because vinegar is a no-no on this diet, my salad dressing has been lemon juice, olive oil, salt and pepper. As soon as I started eating salads with this dressing, I started craving it like mad. I look forward to eating it! I've always appreciated salads, but this is ridiculous. So I started to wonder why my body was so in need of lemon juice. I mean, I'm still craving the dressing after eating it nearly every day for 12 days! So I'm doing a little online research on the benefits of lemon juice:

*Vitamin C
*Very high in citric acid which helps fight off colds
*Liver stimulant (can help with Irritable Bowel Syndrome )
*Can control conditions such as constipation and diarrhea
*Can help with heartburn, bloating and gas
*Contains calcium, potassium and magnesium
*Etc.

Source

According to this source , the health benefits of ingesting lemon include: Indigestion and constipation (relief of), fever, dental care, hair care, skin care, burns, internal bleeding, rheumatism, weight loss, respiratory disorders, and so on.

Wow, who knew? I wonder which of these things my body is using it for.... The websites, especially the second one, make for some interesting reading. I also occasionally add a few drops of therapeutic grade lemon essential oil to my drinking water, for immune support. (I get mine from http://www.YoungLiving.com)

Love these natural cures!

Kale Chips

2011-01-02T21:12:00.000-05:00

Over the holidays I had the great pleasure of trying kale chips for the first time. My brother, visiting from across the country, made this tasty treat in the oven, and it was devoured by every one of the four adults and four kids in the house. One of my kids is particularly particular, and the other is little. But both ate the baked kale with gusto.

To make this snack, cut a head of kale into bite-sized pieces. Toss the pieces in olive oil to lightly coat. Add a little salt. Spread the pieces out on cookie sheets. (One head spread across 3 baking sheets when I tried it myself) You want the pieces to be able to dry out in the oven, so spread them fairly thin. (Not clumped together) Put the cookie sheets in a low heat oven (I used 275*) and bake until the pieces dehydrate and become crisp. (About 20 minutes or so)

You'll be surprised at how popular they become! We've made them twice since having them over Christmas, and we're still craving them. =)

Candida Diet - One Week Down

2010-12-31T14:35:00.000-05:00

It has been one week since I started the candida diet.

So far so good! I am very pleased with myself for getting through the first week. I have continued to have lots of nibbles around me all the time, and have brought a number of ok foods with me for our current weekend away from home. I've been lucky in that everyone we are visiting with seems to be contributing to the meal preparations, so everyone gets what he/she wants. Although I do feel hungry today, most of the time I have felt satisfied. I just fed myself a burger for lunch, and surprisingly I still feel hungry ten minutes after finishing it, which is strange. But generally I have been ok. I haven't missed things too much...I do miss cheese a bit. But I think I only really miss foods when I'm not satisfied by other foods....which just means I need to up the foods that make me feel full. And keep nibbling! Which I can do.

So, since beginning this diet, my bloated belly symptoms have completely disappeared. Coincidence? Maybe. I had the same belly symptoms some weeks ago, and it went away without a special diet. I guess the truer test will be to see if it returns again any time soon.

Other symptoms? My sinuses have been clearer. Related? Not a clue. But I was getting sinus issues practically on a daily basis, and now it's much less persistent. Improvement!

Candida Diet - Phase One

2010-12-27T08:02:00.001-05:00

The hardest part of any diet is getting through phase one. I seriously admire anyone who diets, for whatever reason, and is successful. It's hard!! So here I am, once again, faced with adjusting what I eat for a proposed physical improvement. The reason I typically give myself for going off of a diet is that I am HUNGRY, which I hate. I eat a lot. And much of that is filler foods, like pasta, bread, wheat. This time, I have help with choosing foods and purchasing them, and that has made the initial couple of days MUCH easier! And I'm not hungry. In fact, I am munching all day long on nuts and whatnot, and eating very fulfilling diet-friendly meals. Ok. The real test will come when our company leaves, my support system, and I am left to fend for myself. I will try to give myself incentive....

Here are all of the symptoms I have, which may or may not be addressed through diet: bloated belly, fluid in the ears and tinnitus, sinus issues, eczema, scalp rash, sneezing, foggy brain, memory issues, focus problems, scattered thoughts and actions....

I will start by reporting that yesterday and this morning my belly had NOT been bloated or upset. So far so good!

Around noon I started getting a little bit of belly upset, which has lasted on and off all day. Just a very minor, I don't know...cramping? Or something. This might (or might not) be die-off, when you get symptoms as the yeast dies off. I also had that hunger that I always get with these diets. It just means that I did not feed myself enough foods that stick to my ribs. I know that I can, as I have had none of this the last two days. I will do better! But I am very nervous about having my support system go away tomorrow. =(

I am eating lots and lots of nuts, rice, rice cakes and salad. The salads taste SO good. My body is LOVING them. My dressing is lemon juice, olive oil, salt and pepper. I really love it.

A nice bonus to this is that my daughter, who really eats like crap, is eating some better stuff. She LOVED kale chips!! Awesome. She is also enjoying tomatoes a lot lately, with a little bit of salt and olive oil. Yum!!

Candida Diet

2010-12-25T21:06:00.000-05:00

This is my second post about my recent issue with a very bloated belly. I've bonded with the idea of it being caused by a yeast imbalance. This is because I have a history of yeast infections not caused by any of the "typical" issues. It's also because I did some online searching on my symptoms, and that was one of the possibilities. It just makes sense to me, I guess.

Anyhow, the cure is a diet....not my forte! But my current bout with belly bloat happened to coincide with a visit from family, one of whom has dietary restrictions of her own. She also happens to be very confident about food choices, and enjoys meal planning and preparing. Hurrah! She shopped and came home with an abundance of foods that are on the "ok" list for a candida diet. Left to my own devices, I would certainly have waited at least until Christmas was over to face the burden of eating a yeast starving diet.

So here on the eve of Christmas day, I am feeling a bit better. My belly had an episode after eating rice cakes with guacamole (???) but otherwise I have been feeling fairly well. I screw up here and there, such as serving myself and eating one bite of cranberry sauce before catching myself, and eating an entire serving of mashed potatoes and serving myself a second before being reminded that potatoes are not on my list. Argh!! But the same family member gently reminds me that eating is good, and that I shouldn't feel bad for doing so. How I wish I was surrounded by that kind of reassurance all the time. Hubby confronted me last night about how difficult it is to cook around dietary restrictions - sigh! I want my mommy! Anyhow, I will do the best that I can do, and try to heal myself. I will hate it, but perhaps it will help some other things along the way. If I can get two weeks under my belt, I am hoping the changes will provide the continued motivation.

Bloat, Mope

2010-12-21T16:41:00.001-05:00

My belly is bloated. Really, really bloated. What the? There are no other symptoms. I don't feel sick. This happened a few weeks ago, and resolved in about two days. What is going on? My first reaction was that I am having a yeast overgrowth. The last time this occurred that is what I concluded, but what the heck do I know? And why would it be happening now? I looked online for information about yeast imbalance and diet recommendations. Well, it's about as exciting as the GAPS diet, which I tried back in August. That sucked. It sucked! This time I decided that rather than try to suddenly deprive myself of everything on earth that tastes good and makes me feel full, I would consider skipping the "cleanse" part of the diet, even the "stage 1" diet. I went right to the list of "ok" foods. I swear, just reading the list made my stomach start grumbling. There's nothing on it. I would starve inside of a day. I hadn't eaten much for lunch, knowing instinctively that veggies and whole foods would be the way to go. I ended up eating two tomatoes with salad dressing that I made and an apple. Well, that was wrong. Vinegar is terrible. And apples don't make the cut either. I scoured the pantry looking for a snack, and found some pistachios. Nope. They might have mold, which is bad. The hell with this! Dear hubby was willing to adjust his dinner plan to follow the anti-yeast diet. I told him to forget it (with great appreciation) as I would very likely dump the diet in no time anyway. Ugh. So I have made a deal with myself. If my symptoms are still present after two days I will reconsider the diet. Damn I hate diets. But it would be lovely to get rid of this belly, not to mention some of the other symptoms that I have that are listed on the yeast diet website...fatigue....skin issues.....etc.....

Another issue is that I cannot find my way around a kitchen. I don't enjoy cooking, and I can't think of clever ideas for meals. So that makes special diets that much harder. BAHUMBUG.

Though my belly feels a little less tight at the moment. Will eating this bowl of pasta be a really big mistake?

Hope

2010-12-10T08:55:00.000-05:00

This post has been deleted.

School "Special Needs" Testing (child anxiety)

2010-12-06T16:50:00.000-05:00

This post has been deleted.

Why Am I Like That? (child anxiety)

2010-12-06T09:10:00.000-05:00

This post has been deleted.

Trying My Hand At Selling What I Sew

2010-12-05T17:43:00.000-05:00

Well I did it. I listed one of my tote bags for sale today! I really don't know whether I hope it sells or hope it doesn't! I made it for myself, but I am so curious to know if there is a market for them. I could have a little side business...

Listing

Just Stuff

2010-11-30T09:01:00.000-05:00

This post has been deleted.

Blah

2010-11-28T12:05:00.000-05:00

I've got the blahs.

Usually the blahs last for a few days, then my spirits start to lift again. This is an extended blah. And I'm having trouble moving past it this time.

Now I know me, and when it gets cold, I have to start making myself get outside every day, or I get seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and start to feel nervous, shaky, down.... I know from past winters that if I get out every day for at least 15 minutes, I can go the whole dark season without getting SAD. I don't think this is just SAD. First of all, it's early. It's usually February when I start to get the typical SAD symptoms. Secondly, this blah is a little different. I just feel discouraged. And lonely. And tired. I basically start to look forward to going to bed as soon as I wake up in the morning. That's depression.

So. I am a QMHP. (qualified mental health professional) So I should be able to make a treatment plan for myself. The tough part is sticking to it. But the first step is agreeing there's a problem. (I feel like dog doo) The second is making a plan to do something about it.

Service plan for WF 41 YO presenting with: Depression

Week 1: Get outside every day for a minimum of 15 minutes
   Exercise every other day for a minimum of 10 minutes (aerobic exercise)
   Make a social plan at least 1x/2 week period
   Get 8 hours of sleep every night

The third step is to implement it. Today I informed my family I was going for a walk. The kids ultimately decided they were going with me. After about 20 minutes of them "getting ready" while I waited, we headed out the door. Neither is enthusiastic about such things, but neither wanted to stay home with Papa, so they ended up walking to the end of the street with me. My DD decided to "beat us home" and ran back. Awesome. I ended up carrying my DS, but he walked a good bit of the way. So we all got out. (Hubby too) It's a good start. Maybe I'll set up an incentive chart for myself. Childish, maybe, but it helps me. Maybe the social plan can be my reward.

Blah.

Homeschooling

2010-11-22T14:29:00.000-05:00

So this is where my mind has come. Time and time again. So I have been researching......

Today I discovered a school called Calvert, based in Maryland. It is both a physical school and a homeschool curriculum. And it's very interesting. The things that have overwhelmed me about the idea of homeschool are these:

*Much more work for me, when I am already overwhelmed and totally lack "me" time
*How would I know what to teach? And could I teach all that needed to be taught?
*How do I get credit for DD for having done the school year?
*Where do we find a local homeschooling community?
*How do I know if I'm pushing too much, too little (unlikely) or just the right amount (academically)?
*What about DS?

A person with whom I've gotten kind of friendly, also the kids' Kindermusik teacher, homeschools her daughter. I started to chat with her over email. She is very willing to share with me and answer my questions. She pointed me in the direction of a website that answers some of the logistical questions I have, particularly the one about getting credit for doing the work. It explains exactly what you need to do in order to inform the school district of your intention, what they will send you, how you submit an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) (I think they had another term for it, like IPEP or something like that) and how to submit quarterly progress reports. It also reviews testing requirements, and what occurs if progress is not being made. Very, very helpful.

A little more research online brought me to the website of the Calvert School. A great many more questions were answered. This is a school that will send you a complete year-long curriculum for any grade you choose, from preschool through 12th grade. This means a daily lesson plan! Wow! That takes a HUGE amount of anxiety out of the prospect. And after reading a sample lesson plan, the anxiety is down even more. It is likely far less than I would have insisted that DD do, and far more reasonable! I have no clue.

Hubby and I have discussed it a bit. His work day is his work day, not sure he is willing to be flexible with that, but maybe. If I figure it all out and present it to him in a way that looks good.

DS....well, he'd either have to attend a regular preschool, or get homeschooled also. DH does not like the idea of him being homeschooled as well. I would be ok with him attending preschool, but would he? After his two days in nursery school earlier this year, he has acted so traumatized by the whole experience I think it may be challenging........... Anyhow, that will be figured out if this ever becomes a reality.

Anyhow, I have no plans to make the switch at this time. But I am thinking it over, and I feel much better about it all after reading all of this stuff.

And thank you, dear K, for reaching out to me! My far-away friend homeschools, and she is glad she has been doing so. Her child had some difficulties in a traditional school setting, as does mine.

I welcome any thoughts or experiences please!

Down In the Valley...

2010-11-22T09:35:00.000-05:00

Monday morning. The only day my daughter has school this week. And she's in hell. She is now saying, with great frequency, that she hates school. In the same vent she stated that "this school is the best" and yet she still hates it. And I hate forcing her to go. Day after day after day. I feel like a giant, walking conflict every morning. And it sucks. And I find myself saying in my head "I hate my life." Over and over. But is that true? No. It's not true. I love my life. No I don't. But I really COULD. I just feel that my bookshelf is toppled on the floor in a giant heap of a mess. And my daughter's is toppled on top of mine. And hubby's has toppled nearby, and is tangling in with ours. And I'm at a loss. I have undiagnosed ADD and when I see a mess, any kind of mess, I walk around in circles baffled as to where to start with cleaning it up. It is true tangibly, and it is true metaphorically. And so. I basically feel unfinished all the time. And my environment, physical and mental/emotional, is cluttered and unkempt.

And I'm the only one who can do something about it. So where to start?

Medication? Nope, I'm nursing.
Help? Whom?
Delegate more? Trying
Find a better situation for DD? Trying!!!
Find some joy for myself? Trying.
Clean my physical environment to help my mental environment? I try and try and try and get nowhere.

Anything else?

My typical day, represented in one 10 minute interval: Take a sip of coffee and set my coffee cup down. Start to walk somewhere, maybe the bathroom. Get distracted by DD, who says "You HAVE to see this!!" Go over to see whatever it is, for the 200th time that day. Speak some dully enthusiastic words to her, and start to head away. DD starts a conversation which draws me part way back. I inform her I"m headed to the bathroom. She asks if she can go too. Of course. I go, and she asks me to stay with her while she goes. Rolling my eyes, I stand near the bathroom door. She wants me to come in the room. Then DS wants to come in. I'm in the hall. DD wants DS to shut the door. She dawdles, and takes several minutes to get down to business. I am processing the fact that we have no one to care for the cats when we're going to be away, and notice that the cat box is, as usual, in need of attention. I then scold DD for playing in the bathroom sink, something that drives me crazy and she has been told endless times. Then the phone is ringing and it's DH. I'm on the phone, so the volume in the house rises exponentially. I walk away from the bathroom so I can hear, and DD is calling me back in urgent tones. Not an emergency, just her anxiety. DS is pulling the toilet paper out in a stream. DH is sounded extremely put-out by having to wait to talk while I redirect the kids. I rush them out of the bathroom, transferring his annoyance on them by being impatient and irritable. I put the tv on, and listen while my DD loudly protests my selection of shows. I walk away from the tv so I can try to hear DH, and trip over the cat, who wants to be fed. Now where did I put my coffee?

School Evaluation (child anxiety)

2010-11-17T13:52:00.000-05:00

I have just returned from my daughter's mid-year school evaluation. The news is this. She is not following through on her work. There are days she does no work at all. She is frequently sitting outside of the classroom and requiring a teacher to lead her into the room. She is a rag doll. Dammit.

I informed them that we have reached out to a local provider, but will be unable to see this person until the end of December. The head of school informed me that we can request services through the school, and that she will initial this process. We need help. She needs help.

I am so discouraged and confused. Her behaviors at home have come almost back to baseline, as she has gotten over a recent cold. She is sleeping well, eating well, and her OCD behaviors are declining. But things are not improving at school. I don't know what to do.

Do I consider homeschooling to keep her on track academically? She will do work with me. Her focus is not always the best, but she is willing enough. At the moment she is basically wiling away the time at school, then doing some reading, and occasionally other work, at home. I said to my husband a few minutes ago that that is an expensive play date! But homeschooling would keep her from being around kids all the time, and from the classes she claims to like, such as music. But having her repeat grades is not going to help this situation at all.

I hope we kind find someone great who can help guide us. So sad.

Cycle Complete?

2010-11-16T13:31:00.000-05:00

It seems that DD's anxiety cycles, and there seem to be very specific triggers. This past cycle occurred while DD was sick with a bad cold, and seems to be done now.

This morning, DD was calm. All the way through the morning routine. She said her usual stuff, such as "I don't want to go to school today," and "How many days left of school?" and "I wish the day was shorter" (which I agree with) and so on. But the anxiety was not there. The panic. The fear. Not there today. And she ATE. This little girl has not eaten anything for breakfast for a long time now. That wasn't new when she got sick. But it was something I had forgotten about her. That she goes in cycles with appetite, too. That has been true since she was a very little girl. For a week or two, she will eat small amounts, then things switch, and she eats lot more for a couple of weeks. Then it switches back again. So with the end of this cold and this anxiety cycle, her appetite has risen HUGELY. We have been using our new juicer a lot, and while DD is very interested in the juices, she typically does not drink much. This morning we juiced three pears and one carrot, and she drank quite a bit. YES! She also ate some bread with peanut butter that I had put out. Excellent. That does not mean my sweet girl is cured of anxiety, but it means that for right now, she has returned to baseline. Ahhhh.....

Just to throw this in there, I have asked DD not to eat any dairy for one week to see if it makes a difference in the frequent belly aches and gas she complains of. She has been diary-free for only about two full days now (we started Sunday lunch time) but she has not complained at all about stomach discomfort or gas pains so far. She has also been agreeable to taking a probiotic each morning over the last several days.

New Sewing Blog

2010-11-12T13:25:00.000-05:00

I have started another blog. Yeah, I know. I'm a blogaholic. But this one will actually get a lot of use. Like this one. It's a showcase for the stuff I sew. And I sew nearly every day. It's my salvation. =)

If you're interested, you can check it out here. New Sewing Blog

Thanks.

Clean Up Time (child anxiety)

2010-11-09T09:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, so now that we have our heads around DD's most recent anxiety surge, it is time to help her try to understand what has been going on. She has been through two weeks of not being able to focus on her work very well, and feeling very uncomfortable in her own skin at school. She has been, according to the head of school, coming into school, and sitting by her cubby until she is literally lead by hand into the classroom. To hear DD tell it, she has been physically carried into the classroom. But the head says no, she either verbally requests that she walk into the room, or she takes her by the hand and leads her in. In any event, she has been avoiding the classroom altogether until she is made to go. Ugh. So now she is feeling embarrassed, and is "afraid" to simply do as expected, and walk in the room.

As usual, on the way to school, I tried to pep-talk her into making some better decisions for herself. I reminded her that by continuing to sit aside, she is drawing a lot of extra attention to herself, something she claims she does not want. By walking in to the classroom as expected, she may draw five seconds of attention on herself, and then things will just move on. That five seconds has her paralyzed. I hope she faced it this morning.

The problem is that she is now starting to feel physically better, but she has created quite a situation around herself in the mean time. At school, she has behaved out of the norm, and has caused those around her to react differently to her. At home she has behaved out of the norm, and has caused us to react differently to her also. We are getting back to normal, and are not thrown too much by recent events. (Ok, we were thrown quite a bit, but we're recovering!) At school, this is all new to them, and DD knows it, and feels very, very awkward, now that she's ready for things to return to normal. Only she can do that, and she does not like to be her own motivation! She prefers to be "forced" to move in the "right" direction. This somehow comes more easily to her than making a good decision for herself. Odd. But true.

Anyhow, I attempted to communicate some of this to the head of school by email yesterday. I tried to explain that DD would like to try coming in to the room, but wants to know that no one will say anything to her if she does. Head of school did not understand what I was asking at all, and asked if I wanted her to let DD sit in front of her cubby all day without asking her to come in to the room. NOOOoooooo!!!! Shoot! I was trying to be helpful by letting her know that DD wants to get back to the normal routine, but wants reassurance that no one will make a big deal about it. It can be very hard to communicate meaning and feeling by email. Anyhow, that sucked, but I think after several emails back and forth she semi-understands what I am saying. Not completely, as she plans no to talk with DD but to use picture cards (sighs) but anyhow.................

My fingers are crossed that she got brave this morning and got into that classroom. I told her that she can choose between an entire day of discomfort, or a minute of discomfort this morning, and a normal day. What will she do?

Just an added note, DD is sleeping much better at night these days. She is getting over the cold for one thing, and the white noise of the vaporizer (and the humidity, too) are helping a great deal.

Whoa

2010-11-08T10:36:00.000-05:00

This morning before leaving for DD's school, hubby called. He just wanted to know if the kids were still feeling ill from the cold that has been battering them for a week and a half now. I was in the midst of trying to get a very reluctant DD out the door. I told him I'd call him back.

This morning, DD informed me (many times over) that she was NOT going to school today. I got our things together, but them and my son in the car, and went in to collect her. I slept for a long time last night, so I wasn't feeling the aggravation I often feel, but instead tried to calmly pep-talk her into getting ready to go. Although she had gone upstairs to "hide" she got only as far as the top of the stairs, and didn't resist when I picked her up and carried her to the car. All the way to school I talked with her about doing the best she can and focusing on ten minutes at a time and blahdeblah. She informed me she would not be getting out of the car. High anxiety day. Wow. We got to school, and in the half-minute before one of the teachers came out to meet her and the other kids, she informed me that the teachers might have to carry her in to school today. What? I asked her to explain. Basically, from what I could understand, she had at some point refused to go from point A to point B at school, and she had been told that if she didn't come herself within 3 minutes, she would be carried. She informed me that more like 10 minutes went by, and then she was carried to where she was asked to be. Oh! Ok. What I said to her was that I was getting some idea of why school was suddenly so stressful for her. That there was, in fact, an event that upset her. We didn't have much time to talk about it, but I reminded her that today did not need to be a repeat of that day. She then started to worry about what she would do if she had to use the bathroom. Oh no. This is old stuff from her former school, and NOT good. I reminded her that if she had to go, she would just go. She said she wouldn't be able to. (NOOOooooo!!!) At this point the teacher was there, and we had to move on. I plucked her out of the car, and gave her a hug..... and got back in the car. She walked slowly up the path, as is her thing lately. Off I went.

When DS and I got home, I left a second message for a psychologist I have tried to connect with before. Then I called DH. And something weird happened.

Instead of telling him I was worried and sad and anxious and that DD had a terrible morning, I proceeded to explain her behavior. As we talked, suddenly things started to fall in to place. I don't know why, but somehow, the entire past couple of weeks just made sense. No, we didn't figure out why DD carries all of this anxiety with her, or why it manifests one way sometimes and another way another time. But her recent surge in anxiety symptoms, and her poor coping skills of late make more sense. Now that I move back and take a look at the situation as a whole.

If you picture an "average" person dealing with a terrible cold, you see a person who has a week or two of decreased focus. A period of time where coping skills are a little off because the person feels generally unwell. Things are a little harder to manage. The person may want to sleep more than usual. Stuff like that. Then you take DD and give her a terrible cold. And she experiences everything that the "average" person does. But three times as much. The "average" person starts to feel better, and gradually returns to normal functioning and production. The recovery time is fairly predictable. For DD, the response to this upheaval is much, much stronger, so of course the recovery time is much, much longer. I picture a chart. The "average" person follows line A. When given the terrible cold, this person moves to productivity line C, or an average, predictable amount of decrease in functioning, focus, stress management, increased sleep, etc. DD, and people like her, move to line F, or extreme upheaval in ability to function in a "normal" capacity, practically no ability to focus, very poor stress management abilities, fatigue but inability to recognize the need for extra sleep, which results in a refusal to settle down to sleep at the usual time resulting in a decrease in sleep...you get the picture. And for the "average" person, the recovery from all of this is predictable as well. A little extra TLC, a few days, and normal functioning returns. For those who have traveled to line F, the return takes longer, and is much bumpier. Normal sleep patterns gradually return. Normal stress management comes back in fits and starts. And so on. A silly sort of way to explain all this maybe, but it is really what occurs. And how easily I forget!!

So, while going through this cold, which has lasted now for over 1.5 weeks, she basically shut down at school, faced a very uncomfortable situation at school which required her being physically moved from one place to the other, and created a very uncomfortable situation for herself. So now, as she gradually recovers from the cold and things start to return to normal for her, she has to go and face all of that at school. UGH. Anyone facing that would have a lot of emotion around it, and facing it without being able to justify it and understand it would just be harder.

I am hoping I can help her to understand all of this. I hope that it helps us to be better prepared the next time around. I hope most of all that I can help her to be more forgiving of herself when things become overwhelming, which for anxious people is a far greater challenge than for others. I hope I remember to see the whole picture next time.

White Noise! (child anxiety)

2010-11-08T07:08:00.000-05:00

Three nights ago, as I listened to my two kids hack these dry horrible coughs during the night, I vowed to break out the vaporizer the next night. I got it all cleaned up and ready to go. Saturday night I set it up and turned it on. I read to the kids as usual, and waited for my son to fall asleep so I could start the (new) nightly process of listening to my daughter go through her list of statements and questions, then go downstairs. Every night I wait about 15 minutes, then go to "check" on the kids, something my daughter has been insisting on. After a few minutes, it became obvious that neither kid was going to sleep, and I felt my irritation rising. After a couple of minutes I announced that I was going downstairs, and would check on them in 15 minutes. I left, certain that my 3-year-old would follow me down the stairs in less than one minute. I came down, and listened through the monitor. Nothing. Huh? I looked at DH and shrugged my shoulders. Not a peep. Just the whisper that the vaporizer makes. 15 minutes went past, and DH offered to go up to check on them. Both were sound asleep. After the couple of weeks we've been having with nights that seem to get late quickly with at least one and sometimes two restless, anxious kids, I was astounded. I informed DH that if the vaporizer had anything to do with it, we would be running it every night for the rest of time. Sunday night comes, and DS actually falls asleep on my lap during dinner, having missed his nap. (We had a small make-up birthday party for him yesterday, after having to cancel his party last weekend due to illness) I put him on the couch where he slept while we finished up. I went upstairs with DD to get her ready for bed. She complained of being very cold, and I instructed her to get into bed while I went downstairs to collect DS. I set up that beautiful maker of mist..... and headed downstairs. I brought DS up and put him in the bed. I turned to DD to read some books - what?? I whispered her name. Nothing. She was asleep. In the 3 minutes I had been downstairs, this little girl had conked out!!! I was astounded. I turned out the light and tiptoed my way out of there. Yes, a couple of minutes later she realized what had happened and called out. But when I went to tell her what had occurred, she obviously didn't want to back up and start the routine over. She was done. She and I said good night. She did call one more time, for a bathroom break, and that was it. Both children were asleep. Just like that.

Please oh PLEASE let it keep working!!! =)

Breaking Point (child anxiety)

2010-11-07T11:32:00.001-05:00

My daughter is upstairs screaming her head off. And I am spending my "break" writing about it. It is impossible to get away from her anxiety problems. We are at a breaking point.

What's new today? Nothing. Why is she freaking out? All I can do is guess. She is frustrated because we all started to go for a walk this morning, and ended up coming right back. First of all, both kids insisted that I go, when I had no desire to. I now have the cold the kids have had for over a week, and I just want to be in. And my hubby enjoys taking them outside. But the won't accept that. So I reluctantly agreed. But it took so damn long to actually be on our way that I set out pissed off. A few meters down the road, both kids are frozen. I agree to go back and get DD's gloves. DS insists on going with me. We get inside, and he wants to stay. DD has also followed me back, but is furious that we don't want to head out again. Hubby agrees to take her, but she rejects this offer. Mind boggling frustration. And this is just one example! Then she has only eaten sugary Gogurt and apple sauce today. So she's hungry and starting to have a sugar meltdown. I slice her a piece of bread and put cream cheese on it. I know, lovely diet. But the girl will hardly eat a thing, so I am happy that she's willing to eat anything non-sugary. Then she wants me to tell her it's ok to eat every. single. bite. And I won't. I agree to tell her it's ok to eat every four bites. And the negotiations begin. She says she won't eat. And I tell her that's fine. Which is not what she wants to hear. And it goes from there. So then I start to help DH clean the house, and we are having a couple of people over later to celebrate DS's birthday. His party had to be canceled last w/e due to his illness. She freaks b/c she doesn't know where I am (I'm upstairs, headed back down.) DH tries to intercede, and she's screaming at this point. He then announces that I am going to go take my break (my weekend morning breaks always end up being closer to afternoon breaks....) She's at the door to the basement screaming and blocking my way. But even within this meltdown she has to get her OCD stuff out: "Tell me if you're going outside, set the time, blahblah."

So here I am, unable to enjoy my time because I am so worried about all of this. I am sick to death of all of this, and the fact that I am so confined that I can't move one inch in either direction without tripping over a child.

And then MIL is coming over today, and she has been in a "helping" mode which is generally anything but. She has all kinds of ideas about how to "manage" DD's issues, and there are times when I'm up for hearing those ideas, and times (like now) when I am not. I hope I can hold my tongue. Her advice on the phone yesterday was to take DD to a play this afternoon. Yeah, right!

Anyhow, I will now try to focus on something else for the rest of "my" time.

This sucks.

A while later, I made myself some bean soup. I decided to feed some to my daughter. She said it was the best bean soup she's ever eaten (she'd had it before, actually.) She ate a ton.... and of course her mood improved dramatically. I did point this out to her. (Gently) I hope she can start to make the connection. Sighs. She has been feeling good ever since.

Frazzle Fried

2010-11-05T10:18:00.000-04:00

Please, take me at my ugliest, and add more rocks and boulders to my back and shoulders. Why not?

The other day I had a total temper tantrum. I flipped my lid. I had had enough. It was day's end, and I was sitting in bed waiting, desperately waiting, for my son to fall asleep, so I could go downstairs, enjoy a beer, and get away from it all for a while. But my son would not fall asleep. And this is my routine kid! The other one has simply had to adjust to me leaving the room while she is still awake. It was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I flipped out. I yelled at everyone. I cried. I stomped and stormed. And then after we had all spent a spell downstairs and gone back up again, and my son DID fall asleep, and I tried to leave the room, and my daughter yelled, asking me where I was going.... I flipped again. And again we all ended up downstairs, and again I stomped and stormed and cried. Until I just got too tired. And of course realized what had been true all along. That no one. No one was going to bed until I reset myself and got back into the routine. And so I did. And we all went to bed.

Did it help? Did all of my outpouring change anything? No. It just flattened me for the next day. Although I ended up going to sleep fairly early, I felt as if I hadn't slept at all. Though hubby did decide to come home the next day (I didn't ask) in the morning and spend the day helping out. I guess my volcanic eruption may have indicated I was over the edge! And that was nice. But man did I feel bad. I yelled at everyone. I kept everyone up later than necessary. I carried on like a child. Great job, kiddo! All I got out of it was confirmation that I, too, am coming down with the awful cold that both kids have been dealing with.

Oh yeah, so there's that, too. Last weekend was DS's birthday. Sunday. But Thursday he is, out of nowhere, so sick I am worried. He is feverish, lethargic, vomiting, eating nothing, moaning.... the kid is miserable. I make the decision to cancel his birthday party for Saturday. By day's end, it is obvious that DD is getting it too, so I decide to keep her home from school on Friday. So we all hunkered down, and made the best of it. The weekend came, and hubby was here to help out. Sunday arrived, DS's birthday. Also Halloween. Thank goodness DS didn't really seem to notice or care that the party hadn't happened on Saturday. A small blessing. Sunday we celebrated as a family, giving him gifts throughout the day. He seemed very happy. We geared up for Halloween - not something you skip regardless of illness, earthquake, flood..... DD got her costume together. DS didn't want to wear one. We weren't even sure til the last minute that he would be willing to go trick or treating. But in the end, he was enthusiastic. So out we went. And it was Cold. The kids enjoyed themselves, but after a while first one, then the other, headed for home. Too cold! And DD simply wasn't feeling well enough to do more. And that was fine. The kids enjoyed answering the door for the rest of the evening.

The next morning, two ill kids came downstairs with me at 6:30 a.m. I called DD out of school again. Tuesday she went, though really she could have used the week. She was reluctant. Take a child who has anxiety issues, give her a bad cold, and completely throw her off-schedule, and you've got a picture of DD. Not happy. But she made the best of it. Regardless, illness intensifies anxiety in anyone, and for one for whom anxiety is high in a normal situation...anyhow, she's been needy, intense. But overall, pretty good. But constant. So it was Tuesday night .. and that's where I started this blog post.

Bedtime, no sleeping kids, mama flips out, everyone goes to sleep. (not DH, of course, who stays up very late in order to get his time) Wednesday the kids are up early with me, as usual. Both are ill, tired, and in need of some reassurance. DD is home again. Regardless of my needs, however acute, theirs come first. We hunker down again. Hubby calls early, and informs me of his plan to come home. And he brings food. Nice. Very nice. I have not been able to shop in days and days, and the pickins are getting slim. The day moves along. I have informed the family that I've decided to move half of our family bed (one queen mattress) into DD's room this weekend. Everyone seems ok with that. While I realize I will be playing room-tag for months to come, I need to start the process. DD is so acutely attuned to my every move at the moment, I blink my eyes in the room where she's sleeping and she wakes up. It's time to do something different. It'll be a process, I know. Maybe a lloonngg process. And hubby will very likely continue to sleep in the other room, basically adding to our time apart. (He comes home from work, and 20 min. later I go take my "break." We eat dinner together and spend time together with the kids until about 8:15 p.m., when I take them up to bed, and, most often these days, go to bed myself. He stays up late and gets up and out before we're awake.)

This morning, we're up, and while the kids watch tv, I get us ready to take DD to school. Her ability to cope is coming to an end, and she insists, over and over again, that she's not going to school. I make my best attempt to pep-talk her through, and I get her there. Before getting in the car, she tells me that I'm forcing her to go to school, and she hates me. I know she doesn't hate me, but geesh.

So DS and I are home, and I'm too tired today to even buzz around and get things done in the house. While I don't have the obvious symptoms of cold that my kids do (both kids hacking up a lung this morning =( I'm fighting the bug, too. Popping ears, no energy...

To add to this, I've been trying (unsuccessfully so far) to connect with a professional to help us help DD with her anxiety issues. I have called three providers so far, with no luck. I'll just keep trying...

Ok, I'm drained. Enough for now. Off to drink my water with lemon. =) And for the record, I write all of this stuff not to elicit sympathy but to "dump my bookshelf" so that I can rethink and reorganize. It really does help me to get my head around it all. So if you've come this far, thanks for reading.

Tick Tock (child anxiety)

2010-11-01T08:33:00.000-04:00

My daughter has started to count. It doesn't come across as obsessive in and of itself. She counts while she waits for things to happen. Like, when she goes to bed at night. I read to her, wait about 10 minutes, and head downstairs. She counts the time until I go to check up on her. Or, if she has to wait her turn on a particular toy. Or stuff like that. She tells me she "counted to 100 3 times" or similar. I try to talk with her about "being in the moment" or trying to think about things that she likes rather than counting. She will complain that certain things take a long time. Sighs. Just another manifestation of her anxiety and difficulty with transitions.

Today I told my son that I would give him a chocolate chip for every time he used the bathroom. (He just turned 3) My daughter wanted to know if she would get a chocolate chip for the same thing. (She's 6) I told her that she needed to work on something that would be challenging to her to earn the chocolate. I told her that each time she takes a bite of food without asking me first, she would earn a chip. She instantly said that she couldn't do that, that she was NOT ok with that! I explained, with the old instant frustration coming up inside, that that is what she would need to do, and that I was asking only that she try. Sighs.

Anyhow, another day, opportunity for me to try to be a more patient, more informed parent and allow my children to teach me what they need. Baby steps.

OCD (child anxiety)

2010-10-27T16:01:00.000-04:00

When I last wrote, I expressed my frustration with trying to figure out why it seemed that I was hitting walls while trying to move forward. I likened it to moving through a maze, and bumping into walls several times before realizing I need to turn. And so on.

So here's an update.

I came to the conclusion pretty soon after writing that last entry that I simply need to be focusing inward right now, not outward. My family needs me, and the rest of the world can wait. Here's a brief run-down of what brought me to this conclusion.

My DD, who manages a lot of anxiety at the tender age of six, is experiencing a "peak" right now. Why? Who knows? Does it matter? Maybe. But here it is. She is refusing to go to sleep at night unless I'm in the room. My response, for the last 5 or 6 days, has been to inform her that I would not be staying in the room with her all night, but would do what I've always done. Read her and her brother a bunch of books, sit with them for anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 minutes, then go downstairs. She has always gone to sleep during this period of time, and I leave. Suddenly this is not acceptable to her. So I informed her that I would stay with her for about 10-15 minutes after finishing books, then I would go downstairs whether she was awake or not. And I have been. The first couple of nights, I checked on her every 10 minutes. This wasn't working for me, as I'd barely sit down on the couch before I was heading upstairs again. And if I was late..... "Mama!" through the monitor. Yeesh! Not good. I informed her that I would be going for longer periods of time. I have managed 15 minutes. But this girl is going to sleep after 10pm every night. And she insists on getting up when I do, at 6:30 a.m. Needless to say, she's not getting enough sleep, and I am not getting any down time. Ugh!! So then today, I email DD's school to request a book they bought about child anxiety, and to let them know about some other behaviors I'm starting to see. I get an email back from her head teacher saying that while she had been making very good progress up until last week, this week she is refusing to do her work, and is in fact curling up in a ball on the floor. Wow. So I write to inform her that while there is nothing on this end that would precipitate this behavior at school, she has been losing sleep. Her diet is also pretty poor at this time.

So then there are the new behaviors at home. Which are likely due to the loss of sleep, but who knows. She is starting to show obsessive/compulsive traits. At the moment it's all verbal. She has to ask me if she can go to the bathroom. She has to ask me to promise not to go out of the house in the evening when I take my evening "break." She has to ask me the same question when she's going to sleep at night. And now she feels the need to ask if she can eat. Every. Single. Bite.

And I have to say, given some family history, this stuff makes me nervous. A recent visit to the ped. for my son resulted in a conversation about DD, and the name of a psychologist nearby who specializes in this stuff. She, not surprisingly, is not taking new patients, so we are on a waiting list. But I don't want to wait. So after a conversation with a family member who knows someone in the field, I ended up with another recommended person. A psychiatrist. And this one had been recommended by a friend in the field some months back. I actually had a conversation with this person back then, but decided not to follow up with him for a couple of reasons. One is that he is expensive. Really expensive. And he doesn't take insurance. The other reason is that he basically told me on the phone that he would likely just refer us to a social worker anyway, so why don't I send him a list of social workers who take our insurance, and he'll pick one. I didn't. But now we are back to him again. Apparently he is the "best" in the area, according to the family member's friend. So I left him a message today, and we'll see what transpires.

In the meantime, DD needs more sleep. And I guess if that means I commit my evenings to being up there with her for a while, well, it really is a small price to pay. I will need to find more me time during the day, because I need some. And to give up the little bit I have is really not ok. Everyone who works 8 hours is supposed to get one hour for lunch and two shorter breaks. I have my one hour in the evening, and my sometimes evening. And I work ALLLLLLL day, and part of the night.

Ok, life is telling me it's time to get back to it. More soon...

Confused

2010-10-25T07:33:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if challenges are placed in front of me for a reason.

I know that many people before me have wondered the same thing. Perhaps those with faith are more familiar with these feelings. I don't know. I am not a religious person, but I have spiritual ideas sometimes.

Perhaps it is like being in a giant maze. When we keep insisting on going down the "wrong" passageway, a wall is put up again and again, blocking us from moving forward, until we realize we have no other choice but to turn, one way or another.

My body hurts from hitting the walls.

My job at the moment is raising my children. And I work on it, day in, and day out, and sometimes during the night. I work hard. I allow myself little room for selfishness. I am trying, really trying, to be a good mother to my children. One has a real anxiety issue. It effects everything we all do, day after day after day. As with any "dis" ability I do my best to help her navigate these waters. And it's not easy. She hits those maze walls so much more often than the rest of us seem to. But she bounces back and tries again. And again. And again. So while I rub my bruises, I try to rub hers. To get in the way so she doesn't hit so often. To help her understand the need to regroup and set out again. And to go easy on herself. Add to that our little guy, who charges ahead in the maze, finds others along the way who want to and are willing to help him navigate his way, panics, and runs back to me and DD. And back, and forth... "Mama do it!" So to all of this bouncing and running and turning around in circles add DH, who jumps in every now and then, attempts to help with something, gets a double dose of Mama-do-it, gets frustrated, and flares up... and you've got the basic foundation of my every day life. It's like a dance. And it's all good. It's what I do!

So I try, like anyone, to find outlets. Things to help me recharge, so that I can go back in the ring with gusto. But for reasons I don't understand, the outlets I choose turn in to maze walls.

I want FRIENDS. This is the most confusing part of my current and recent life that I just don't understand. Don't get me wrong. I have some people. And some who genuinely show an interest in seeing me more than once a month. Ok, one. And that is nice, and I am most grateful. But I want more. I want to be part of the neighborhood bunch. There are a huge amount of families with small kids in the neighborhood, and so many of them are friends. Good friends. Why not me? It's not as if I'm not out there trying. In my capacity. No, I don't go out at night right now. And it's likely I won't for a while. No, I don't have a lot of time away from my children. But true friends don't care, they find time to be with you. I tried for months and months to invite people over for play dates. Every week. Sometimes twice a week. Some tried. But it got to the point where more often than not, no one came. And that depressed me, so I stopped inviting. The other day I took DS to a neighborhood play date, and there was a houseful. A HOUSEFUL. Just like that. Maybe it's because we don't go to the public schools. But that's not enough reason. Maybe it's because I'm shy. Maybemaybemaybe. The result is that I'm not IN.

I have found that my most peaceful time is my one hour a day that I spend alone. And that is not me. Not the happy, well-balanced me. But right now, my recharge time is spent along, in my basement, sewing. And I truly love it. I do. But the genuine me doesn't want an escape. So what's this about?

And I worry. For all the hard work that I feel that I do, day in and day out, I am given more to try to figure out. A relationship that has always come easily, with few bumps, is now much more confusing, painful, and filled with cracks. What does it mean? So I hide in my "work" and hope that things straighten themselves out.

And I worry about my father, who turns 90 in March. I think about him all the time. But to complicate even that, our relationship is odd. Not bad. It's good! He champions me more than anyone else in the world, and I him. But it's odd. And confusing. But he helps me to feel better about myself. Without many words, he just has a way of gently encouraging me to be better to myself. He tells me to be more selfish. Because I'm worth it. That's nice. That's really nice. I need someone to help me feel important. The others, family, are too far away to be involved in my life. I sometimes think, lately, of what it would be like to live near the others. Would I feel better? Probably. Why can't I create that for myself here?

So I feel burdened, and I feel that life is zooming by, and I feel that I'm missing something. And I don't know how to change it. And I wonder what the message is. What am I supposed to be doing? How do I achieve the balance I so badly yearn for? Am I supposed to stop seeking, and turn inward? Find peace in what I have and stop trying for something else? Why do I hurt? Why do I continue to want things I don't have? Isn't what I have good enough? I don't understand.

Hills and Valleys (child anxiety)

2010-10-19T09:38:00.000-04:00

It is proving to be a challenging week. And it's only Tuesday.

Last week, like any, came with it's ups and downs, but everyone worked hard, and did his and her best. As everyone does, we all faced some challenges, and we all found ways to recharge. My daughter managed this along with the rest of us. She faces life with an undiagnosed anxiety (disorder? condition?) whatever, so her ups are often a little more up than the rest of us, and her downs can be a bit more down. Not a problem, it can just take her a little bit more time and proper conditions to come back to her baseline.

By Friday, we were all ready to be done for the week. DD verbalized that she didn't want to go to school. She said that while she likes school, "I just like you better, Mama." Her way of saying she's pooped and needs to rest. I gently encouraged her to face the day the best she could, try to be in the moment, and go easy on herself. I told her I couldn't wait to come pick her up, and I meant it. The attachment parent in me wanted to keep her home. The anxiety built in to me knows that I needed her to spend some time at school in order for me to recharge. Because I was anxious.

We had planned for a couple of weeks to go to my father's for the weekend. I had decided to go on Saturday, and return on Sunday. This sets my nerves on end in several ways. For one thing, I would be traveling with the kids on my own. I have done so countless times before, but it's always a little anxiety producing. And then there was the packing. I am a lousy packer. I am disorganized by nature, and find the idea of creating a small amount of core items out of a giant mess of a house very intimidating. And I tend to forget something each time, so I worry about that. And I try to do all of that while entertaining a 2-year-old. So I walk in circles all day feeling frustrated. Add to that the fact that DH has been a tense mess and is looking SO forward to us going away, so he can have some recharge time for himself. So when, three days ahead of departure day, I develop a headache (unusual for me) and DD complains of a "thick throat" I start to wonder if we are coming down with something that will necessitate a change of plans. I worry much more about the absolute crushing disappointment DH will display at even the slight suggestion that we MIGHT stay home, than the possible illness itself. Then there is the typical and anticipated transition anxiety that DD experiences with any change in routine. And on top of that, the more recently and most likely short-lasting phase that DS is going through, where he begs me not to take him anywhere. And this is what I was carrying as the week wore on last week.

After about 2.5 days, my headache, which was only minor, and somehow sinus related, went away. DD did not complain about her throat after the one morning. We were on for the trip. Friday I dropped an exhausted (school-exhausted, if you know what I mean) DD off at school, and headed home to pack. DS started in with his statements that he didn't want to go. DH had decided to come home early to help. He helped DS get some things together, and when DD came home, he helped her to pack. I managed the rest.

Saturday morning, and DS is in full-blown toddler-mode. He does NOT want to go! I do no know what to do. DH is starting to get upset. DD is just looking at me saying, "So, are we going?" As DH gets progressively upset and angry, I decide that I am going, come hell or high tantrum, because I'm pissed at DH. I bring all of our stuff to the door, he packs it in the car, and we're ready to head out. I, in a rare moment, express my feelings at DH, and we are now having an argument. Over the roof of the car we agree to talk about things later, and we leave.

Three hours later, the kids and I are in NJ. DS had quickly turned his upset to anticipation (attaboy!) and the kids were happy to be there. My father started the list of "things we could do" and I suggested that maybe our visit was short enough this time that just being there was enough.

We end up outside, playing, which the kids love. This fall they have fallen in love with the idea of jumping in his leaf piles in the front yard. I stand near the road, and watch. Suddenly, my daughter approaches me and says, calmly, that something had poked into her leg. One second later she is screaming. She has realized that she has been stung by a bee, and it's still there. My father materializes at this point, and wipes the bee away. DD is hysterical. I get her inside, and over the coarse of about five minutes, manage to convince her to get her pants off so we can look at the sting. Over the next 30 minutes, with a constant minute of screaming, minute of calm, minute of screaming, minute of calm (repeat) I manage to look up bee stings on my computer and take care of things. We have managed to get upstairs to our bedroom, and after a few minutes, DD informs me that she is hungry. I go downstairs to make sandwiches, and my father comments that the kids don't eat at meals but eat when they want. The rest of the day is fairly uneventful, though my daughter periodically feels she cannot walk, which means hauling her down narrow spiral stairs.

The next day is a travel day, but I'm not in a big hurry to hit the road. Hubby and I have been checking in with each other. We are just hanging out, and plan to leave after lunch. We end up in the front yard again, with the fabulous piles of leaves. The kids are pretty happy, and I am trying to get up packed up as I'm able. DD starts screaming. Shreaking. She has been stung again. I fly over to her, as done my son. Somewhere in the hysteria, I realize DS is crying, and I wonder if it's sympathy panic. No, he is bent over his hand. He, too, has been stung. As I do my best to grab them, I feel a sting on my temple. I grab them and get us inside. Screaming, hysterical children, and my adrenals are firing whatever they have left to fire. As he did Saturday during the first sting situation, grabbed his medical bag, and put a can of First Aid spray in front of us. I used it. The kids requested to go up to our bedroom, and right away requested sandwiches, just like Saturday. What an interesting reminder that kids crave routine! I made them. DS, as is his nature, was fine once the sting settled down a bit. He sat there watching a DVD with his sandwich. Crisis over. DD, as is her nature, was upset longer, and needed more time and efforts to settle back down. I add to this that I was on the phone with DH when the second stings occurred, and I rather abruptly hung up, surely leaving him very concerned on the other end. So I called him quickly a couple of times during all of this to fill him in and reassure him that all was well in the end.

After a while, we make it back downstairs. DS picks up the First Aid spray, which was sitting on the carpet. I tell him to be careful, that's it's medicine spray, and suggested he not spray it. He's two, and pretty good, but ... more screaming. He had sprayed the stuff directly into his eyes. I grab him and wash his eyes out with water, and hoped like crazy that that was the right thing to do. I wiped his eyes with a cloth, and he settled down right away. Phew.

My stress exhaustion was settling in in a big way now, and I still faced a three hour drive with two kids. By now I just wanted to get us on the road. I suggested to my father that we eat lunch early. He got right to it and made us some food. Now DD, who had pretty much settled down at this point, reminded me that she had really wanted to go on a picnic for lunch. I had zero desire to do anything more than eat and take off, but DD can be very insistent! To her absolute credit, she suggested that perhaps we could set up a table in the living room and have a picnic there. Yes! I could do that! I informed my father, and he set things up. We ate. Add in to all of this that DD is in this phase where most foods are not appealing to her, and she really doesn't eat much at meal times when we aren't at home. She had basically been existing on peanut butter crackers since we got there. Anyhow, I ate. I then packed the car, got the kids in the car, and left.

The ride back was fine. We arrived fried, and happy to be home. DH, to his credit, had bought stuff to make pumpkin pies with the kids. He got DD engaged in that pretty quickly. My much anticipated and desperately needed evening "break" time arrived, and I headed to the basement where my fabulous sewing room exists. I put my attention on a sewing pattern I've been making, and allow myself to disconnect from things for a little while. We eat dinner, relax for a bit, and I take the kids upstairs to bed. DD is still very wired. DS conks out gratefully. DD also falls asleep. I start to get up. She is just barely over on my pillow, and I decide to try to gently remove it, so the kids don't take it over before I come up to bed. Big mistake. DD wakes up, and an anxious DD won't go back to sleep. My dander is up in a big way at this point. I need her to go to sleep!! I am so in need of some time to unwind that I feel desperate. It is not to be. I inform her that I'm going downstairs to tell Papa that I'm staying up there. I go down, make myself a drink (!!!) and head back up. DH, to his credit, comes up too. We read together, and DD finally falls back to sleep. I go to bed, too.

Monday. Ugh. None of us wants to face it. But we all do. What choice do we have? I remind DD on the way to school to take things one minute at a time, and just do the best she can. I remind her that the weekend was not exactly relaxing (!) and that we didn't get time to unwind, so to go easy on herself. Then I remember that I have a dental appt. I inform DS, who of course starts his pleas that we not go. We get there, and DH has met us. DS reaches his arms to me, but I tell him I will meet him afterwards. The visit is fine. In fact I have a pleasant conversation with the hygienist after she compliments my tote bag, which I made. She enjoys crafting, and we chat happily about it all. Then the dentist comes in. He checks my teeth and all that, then out of nowhere starts telling me how important it is to get out without the kids. ??? Where did this come from? I hadn't said a word other than I spend my time chasing my kids around. He looked at me, and said, "You look tired. Take care of yourself." Whoa!

The rest of the day kind of goes. DS was outside on his tricycle about 45 minutes before we had to go pick up DD from school. He asked to go to the end of the road to an area we call the dirt hills. I told him we didn't have time, and he throws a mini-fit, indicating to me that he is ready to nap. I get us in the car and drive. He does not go to sleep. @#$%! I drive and drive and nothing. I finally take us to a nearby store, and we walk around for a while. Then we drive some more, until it's finally time to get DD. Everything is well, and the afternoon/evening goes pretty smoothly. The time for my evening "break" comes around again, and I head downstairs. Within a couple of minutes, I hear DD screaming and crying. My heart sinks. I understand what is happening but it still makes me feel sad. She is tired. Exhausted. She has not had the relaxing weekend she needed to regroup, and she's just reached her limit. She is at the door of the basement insisting that she needs me. DH protects my alone time any way he can, and the tension quickly rises to a fever pitch. After a while, the noise settles down. But I am sad. And tired. And done.

Bed time comes, and DD informs me that she may not be able to sleep again. We talk about it for a bit. But I'm irritated. I can't help it. Her anxiety results in my being kept on a very short leash, and I am quite protective of the little time that I do get to myself. And this new "thing" is compromising some of that. After some while, she does fall asleep. (I sat near the kids this time, NOT between them as usual, and had my pillow out of the way BEFORE DD went to sleep!! I was able to very quietly get myself out of the room. Phew!

Then I get downstairs and DH is in a lousy mood. He is cursing the difficulty he has in putting a lunch together for DD, who is so picky there really is very little she will agree to eat. I agree to do it, and he heads to the couch. I put together a lunch, and after some while, finally land on the couch. DH and I actually get a little time to watch part of movie, and I head to bed.

And so it's Tuesday. Onward we go. DD asks me daily to promise that I won't leave the house during my "break." She asks me nightly to promise that I won't leave the house while she's sleeping. She insists on getting out of bed when I do, even though she is still tired, and could sleep for another half-hour. She usually falls back to sleep on the couch. She asked me this morning if I had any doctor or dentist appointments. And so forth.

Thanks for listening.

Inward

2010-10-18T09:13:00.000-04:00

On the top of my blog, in my blurb, I mention that I find the world to be abrasive. When they were handing out bumpers, I must have been in the rest room. So things that would not bother most people, or not bother them much, get through to me, and hurt. Now I have lived with me for a long time. When you get bumped enough, you start to hold your hands out to ward off some of the incoming -whatever-. I have developed ways of managing. But I will always be me, and stuff still gets through.

When I started this blog, I began my mission to find ways to feel better. To find natural ways to take care of myself, and my family. And it has been helpful. Really. I am feeling a whole lot better, in general, than I was back then. It's a process.... but I stop and compare every now and then, and I'm much closer to being the balanced me I have been striving for. And there is no finish line. It's a lifestyle, and I'm happy with the direction I am taking. It's not just my physical self (or that of my kids,) it's my mental well-being, my sense of self.

I have always been someone who takes on the mood of the room. I learned a valuable lesson from a smart lady about 10 years ago. She said, "Don't ride the roller coaster." (Perhaps the smart lady will see and recognize this statement!) It applied to the situation at the time, but it has lasted me all this time, and I've said it in my head a thousand times. It means regardless of what is happening around you, take a step back and keep your head. Basically. And it works! If I really put my mind to it, that is.

So here I am in my current situation, applying it as needed. And that means finding ways to make myself happy, even when things are chaotic and less than stellar in my little corner of the world.

So inward I go. I mentally separate myself. Instead of seeking out people who will change my mood for me, I'm finding ways of doing so myself. This may seem obvious to many, maybe even most, but for someone like me, it's work. And it does help. But I have to remind myself to do it. It does not come naturally.

I was going to give examples here, but I keep erasing. I guess this is all I have to say about this for now!

This is not quite the post I wanted it to be, but I'm posting it anyway. Maybe I'll wrap my head around it and formulate some real thoughts, and maybe I won't. Whaddevah.

Another One?? (child anxiety)

2010-10-13T11:22:00.000-04:00

Ever since I tried nursery school with my son, about a month ago, he has been a different kid. Mind you he went for TWO days, and seemed to enjoy it for quite a while before hitting a wall (figuratively.) He did leave both days crying and upset, but I think that was from being tired and overwhelmed with the length of the class, not the activities or expectations. He did well both days until hitting that proverbial wall. But he views it differently. He says he hates school. And his experience with it has changed his opinion about other things.

Today I had my heart set on taking him to a new program at the Children's Museum. He likes the Children's Museum, and has asked to go there a number of times in the past. But today he did not want to go. In fact, he pleaded with me not to take him. What the?? I think it was the idea that it was a "program." But he has reacted this way to other events as well. We were invited to a neighbor's to play last week. We got all the way to the time we were ready to leave, and that was it. He dug his heels in. He begged me not to take him! I explained that it was just to a neighbor's to play, and we could leave any time we wanted, and he would probably know some of the kids.... nope. He did NOT want to go!

DS was not like this at all before trying school. He has never been shy, and still isn't. He is outgoing, unafraid, and confident. He is like this with adults and kids of all ages. So I don't know what's going on. Of course, kids all go through phases of being more or less shy or worried about separation from parents. That's all normal. I guess I worry about it because of DD's anxiety issues. He is not like that at all. It is very likely, however, that he picks up some cues from her, and that some of his reactions are influenced by her. An example of this is in the evening when I take an hour to myself. This is something that occurs every night, and has been in place since DD was little. It is part of our every day routine. DD goes through phases of accepting my being away for the hour, and phases of being anything BUT ok with it. As a general rule, DS is not disturbed by my brief absence, and takes it very much in his stride. But when DD is in full blown anxiety mode, he becomes upset, too, and goes through brief periods of panic when I am getting ready to leave the room. Keep in mind, I don't leave the house most of the time, I just go downstairs. And about five minutes before the hour is done, both kids are yelling down the stairs.

Anyhow, so at the moment, my leash is short. Even with DD at school for 6.5 hours a day, I still juggle the fallout from the anxiety that we all live as a family. I guess I need to put it in perspective, and writing about it helps me to do that. I can't over react to his age-appropriate anxiety. I have to figure out a good balance between gently encouraging him to be brave and get out for fun programs (that I attend with him) and following his lead with genuinely needing to be home and quiet.

Exercise

2010-10-05T14:33:00.000-04:00

I have been down this road before, and crashed and burned. I need to exercise. There simply isn't an excuse good enough not to, and the benefits are endless. Maybe I need to do what I did years before to help me change my lifestyle a bit. I literally wrote down daily internal and external benefits. And used other motivators. It worked. It really did. So perhaps I can use that again. And maybe using my connections on Facebook would help, too. People motivators. But the main motivator has to be me. So here goes for today.

I exercised for 10 minutes today. For five minutes, I jogged around the house while DS was sleeping. For another five, I walked up and down the stairs. Then I stopped.

Internal benefits:

I got warm pretty fast! I had to shed my fleece, that I had been wearing all day.
My legs got a little sore. Wow, how quickly muscles get weak!
Exercise produces endorphins, and as we head toward S.A.D season, we need all the endorphins we can get.

External benefits:

The cats thought I had lost my marbles, which amused me no end.

I'd love to hear from anyone who needs a boost in this department, too. I am 41 years old and get no regular exercise. I read every day about illnesses and cancers and problems and depression, and many natural, easy, healthy ways to combat them. I can do this. It beats the (possible) alternatives......

Just Stuff

2010-10-04T18:30:00.001-04:00

It is that time of year in this area of the world for all of the S.A.D types, like me, to start getting out in the light. Yeah, I get seasonal affective disorder, which for me usually means feeling agitated for no reason, lasting for about a week. I have come to find that if I walk most days for about 15 minutes, I can go the entire season without this weird physical reaction to the lack of outdoor time and light. But I've run into a snag. My children freak out if I leave them. Even if it means going around the stupid block for a walk. So here I sit in the basement of my house, in a room with no windows. Not a good solution to my impending jitters. And it's gonna be a bad one this year, if my instinct is on. I feel it. I have been blue anyway, a result of the stress that comes with being a full time me to a bunch of people and animals, two of whom have anxiety issues of their own. Sigh. So. The trick is to achieve what I need while balancing and managing what they all need, or think they need, too. I did, in fact, get outside today. We had friends over, and spent some time in the back yard. So that counts. Exercise? No. But that will have to be done at another time. hm. Ok, so involve the kids in that, too, somehow. DD would love to go to the YMCA. DS? Not so much. Go without him? Not likely. He's in his own little panic-mode at the moment. Hard to move these days. I feel strongly that taking DS to school for two days had a terrible effect on him, even though I was there in the next room. He hated it. Today at a library program he charged into the fray, as is his style, but after a couple of minutes, looked for me in a mini-panic. He again charged into the situation, but a couple of minutes later needed to check in with me. He was never like this before school. Oh, and he has not attempted the bathroom a single time since school, something he was doing on his own once every couple of days before then. So my needs, whatever they be at any given time, need to be snuck in there with the needs of the others. I can do this.

As I write this, my kids are yelling down to me. They know my "break" ends in the next couple of minutes. I can be in the basement, but not outside.

I'm tired of the things that have brought me some meaning in the last months. I get so excited to list something in my Etsy shop, and become so disappointed when there is little to no interest in what I make. Then I wonder why I bother with it. Because it's fun, in a way. But the let down is not fun. So instead of creating and piling up all these random things that sit in my sewing room collecting dust, I need to refocus my efforts. I love to sew. But I want to sew for my family. And that's it. Subject to change without notice! But really. Why bother with the rest of it? It's just frustrating.

My break has ended. I need to stop here. I'll post, because I don't know if I'll remember to or want to continue with this mind-stream.

Another mood for another day. Bye.

Guessing Game (parenting)

2010-10-01T06:31:00.001-04:00

Something is going on with my little boy. He wouldn't let me go out to dinner last night, even though his grandmother was here, and he is very comfortable with her. He couldn't fall asleep last night. He was up at least an hour later than usual and said he wasn't tired. He finally went to sleep when I went with him. Then he was up before 5 a.m. today. And when a child is off, the entire family is off. What could be going on?

The obvious first thought is illness. Poor goob. It's possible. Seems as if he was fighting something last week. But I guess it is that time of year for all sorts of bugs to come home with DD from school and with DH from work. But he doesn't have any of the usual symptoms, like runny nose. Still possible and most likely.

It could be tension. Could it? I don't know, but I believe that stress plays a bit part in how smoothly the routine goes in life and at home. Two weeks ago I took him to school. He was very excited about it. Too excited. He did great, but after a short time became overwhelmed and too tired to continue. He was encouraged to continue anyway, and he was in total meltdown mode when we left. His second day of school was similar. He did great for about an hour and a half, then was completely done. Once again the pressure was put on him to continue, and that was too much. Another total meltdown as we got ready to leave. After that he didn't want any part of school, even though the majority of the experience was positive. I took him out, making the decision that he simply wasn't ready yet. I was hoping that I got him out before the anxiety became a lasting thing, but I'm not sure I made it. He seems to have a school hang-over, at the tender age of 2. Darn it.

Then sometimes there's a little tension at home. DS had agreed to let us go out last night, but once we were in the car, he became very upset. Grandma grabbed him, and that made things worse. He entered panic mode, which is where he was when I got to him. DH was very frustrated that we couldn't go out, something he looked forward to very much. So he was upset, and felt angry at DS. Then DD, who battles with pretty intense anxiety, waffled about whether she was comfortable with us going out or not. (I honestly thought she would be the one to get in the way of the outing, not DS) So she went back and forth between starting to cry at the prospect of us going out and the prospect of us NOT going out. By the time we were in the driveway, she almost needed us to go out. She had simply gotten her head around that plan, and had worked hard to get herself to that place. And then there's me, monkey in the middle. All the time. I understand DD. I understand DH. I also understand grandma with her gentle urging to go despite the kids' upset. (just not the way I work) And I empathize with DS. I know that there is something wrong, and if all was well, he wouldn't be acting and feeling this way. Instinct says to hug him rather than push him into this situation.

So who knows? Instinct is a strong thing, and I'm following mine. That's all I can do.

Coconut Oil

2010-09-27T13:58:00.001-04:00

Two nights ago I purchased this jar of coconut oil. It seems that coconut oil was popping up everywhere: on my Facebook Eczema page, and in searches for holistic-minded natural remedies and such. I saw it again and again. So I did some brief online research. Why had I thought that coconut was not a good idea? Here is some of what I learned: LINK

Now of course there are resources on the internet that claim this is all hooey, and that movie theaters and food manufacturers stopped using coconut oil in their products because it was shown to be bad for you. I guess you have to read the research and decide for yourself.

I have decided to put it through its paces.

There are many ways in which people use coconut oil:

Food. People use it in place of other oils in such foods as popcorn. I used it to make a grilled cheese sandwichs this morning. It was easy to cook with, made delicious (and yes, reminiscent of movie theater popcorn smells) popcorn, toasted bread well for the sandwichs, etc. And it did not take a lot of the stuff. I will note that coconut oil burns easily at higher cooking temperatures, so keep the temperatures down.

Hand/Skin Lotion: I have been using the oil in place of my usual hand lotion (another oil) and it has worked fine. It does not seem to irritate my sensitive (eczema) skin, it absorbs easily and is not greasy feeling after being rubbed in.

Hair: I haven't tried this one, but apparently people use coconut oil in their hair, and it supposed to make the hair super soft. I am dying to try it. Being a non-shampoo user at the moment due to a rashy scalp, I am looking for ways to keep my hair clean and conditioned that are all natural and not too irritating. I'll report back on my trials with that! Here is what I learned at eHow: LINK Sounds like work, but once in a while... Anyhow, I'll give it a try.

Pets: I have read that coconut oil can be helpful in pets with various conditions, including constipation and hair balls. You can read more about that here: LINK You can actually buy cans of the stuff that are marketed for pets. (A funny aside is that the can I saw for pets on Amazon.com was much more expensive per ounce than what I bought for myself!)

Some information I have learned along the way: Coconut oil melts at 76*F. It is a solid at room temperature in cooler areas. It burns easily at high temperatures, so keep your temperatures down when cooking with it.

As always, I'd love to hear from anyone with experience!

Natural Hairball Remedies For Cats

2010-09-26T12:18:00.001-04:00

This morning I found evidence that my two cats, a male and a female, were not feeling well. First of all, last night I found that their water bowl had been diminished a lot. Now I know that cats, as a general rule, do not drink a lot of water. Some weeks back our girl kitty had been drinking a lot of water for several days. A trip to the vet resulted in our needing to remove cat treats from her diet, due to finding of crystals in her urine. During this two week trial, I had also removed dry food, after conferring with the Holistic Moms Network. Not the smartest time to remove the dry food, of course, because when her urine tested clean, it was impossible to know if it was simply from removing the cat treats, or if it had something to do with the dry food.

Fast forward a few weeks. I bought some more dry food. I did so because the cats are getting big, and are starting to eat us out of house and home. They eat Newman's Own Organics canned cat food. The cans are 3 oz - in other words, small. The two of them were eating five cans a day! At a dollar and change a can, it was getting ridiculous. So I did some research and bought some Organix Feline Formula Adult and Kitten dry cat food. This is, from what I can tell, good stuff. It is made from organic chicken, brown rice and flax, and is minus a lot of the stuff that other dry cats foods contain and are supposed to be bad for them. Anyhow. A few days ago we introduced the dry food in place of the canned for one meal, and they devoured it. Yay! thought I.

So then yesterday, the female cat was drinking, and I noticed the bowl was low. Oh no. But wanting to be sure, I decided to wait a day or two. The bowl was fine this a.m., but I could tell the cats weren't right. For one thing, there was wet food left over from their feeding last night, which has never happened since getting them. Then they left a fair amount of food this morning. Hmmm... Then my daughter stepped in something.... uk. Ok, so there were a couple of piles of cat barf on the carpet. And they were full of fur. Ok. So is the problem crystals in the urine? Or is it hair balls? Or is it both?

I know the solution if the problem is crystals. So I'll give it another day or two, and see if the girl kitty continues to drink a lot of water. Easy solution: no more dry food.

I didn't know the answer for the hair balls, so I did a quick Google search on "natural hair ball remedies for cats." The answer? Psyllium fiber. Metamusil! Wow! As I read about it, I found that it makes perfect sense. If it helps us, why not the cats? Here's one link I found. Though this link does not mention hair balls specifically, it mentions several other conditions for which psyllium fiber is recommended by vets for cats.

LINK

This website, and many others, recommend Psyllium Nigrum for cats, which is the same seed husk fiber source as is used in Metamucil. This is a neat site in general.

LINK

I'm gonna try it. Starting today, I'm going to mix a small amount (if you try it make sure you know the recommended doses) in with their canned food. I'll report back in a few days if I see any changes or improvements.

If anyone has any experience with this, I'd sure appreciate hearing about it!

UPDATE: I put a teaspoon of flavorless psyllium fiber in the cats canned food, mixed it very well, and gave it to them. Both cats took one sniff, and would not eat one bite. I replaced it with a can without the fiber, and they ate it right away. So much for that! I may try again with a much smaller amount, but I'm thinking this is not the remedy for my cats!

Now to try coconut oil.... trial in a separate post!

Yay Montessori =) (child anxiety)

2010-09-24T15:40:00.000-04:00

Today my daughter finished her third week at her new school, our local Montessori school.

Me: So, (daughter), now that you've been at your new school for three weeks, which school would you say you like better? The new one or the old one?"

DD: The new one is MUCH better.

Me: =) =) =)

When I asked her if she was happy it was the weekend, she replied, "Yeah. Sort of. I'll miss hanging out with my friends."

So happy!

Calmer Seas (child anxiety)

2010-09-22T07:24:00.000-04:00

Time to update on DD.

Things are settling down nicely. Phew! DD's biggest complaint after school yesterday was that someone had moved her plant. =) I got a nice email from her teacher yesterday, too, that said that during a movement class, DD had gotten up in front of the class with another student and done a dance! Ok, she has officially surpassed me. I don't do that!! Very proud I am, yes indeedy.

That doesn't mean that she doesn't still get anxious in the mornings. She does. Dry heaves are not uncommon. Or the complaint of a belly ache. But she likes school.

We went to a school picnic two days ago. Several kids came up to her asking if she wanted to play with them, or sit on their picnic blanket with them, etc. It was very cool. She shied away from them for the most part, but I think that was more a result of me and her father and other parents being there. Something tells me she would have been off with them in a flash had it been school recess or something. And occasionally during the night she would forget herself and start to run off. Very good stuff.

I am working with her on reading every night now, as she won't read to the teachers at school. But I am not giving her a hard time about it. As I've been telling hubby in the evenings, she's made such incredible strides, and completely because she chose to, that I do not feel the need to pressure her about the reading and lessons at this point. I'll just work with her at home to be sure she's keeping up. Her reading is very slow and reluctant. We worked on it a bunch this summer, but a couple weeks before starting the new school, we stopped. It really shows that she hasn't been working on it for a while. Her confidence has decreased, and her reading is elementary at best. But she'll get there. When she decides to!

And a quick note on the little girl in DD's class. DD told me a few days ago that she thought this girl wanted to be friends with everyone in the class but her. That seems to have completely changed. For one, she approached DD a lot during the picnic, and was very friendly with her. Then I get the email from the teacher saying they performed a dance together for the class. And DD informed me yesterday that this same little girl has invited DD to come to her house on Halloween. Awright! =)

Words from a proud Mama!

Day 7 of School (child anxiety)

2010-09-16T09:23:00.001-04:00

Ah. That's better!

First of all, I got up with the alarm this morning, and both kids stayed asleep. Nice. I had some coffee, I checked my email, and just enjoyed a few minutes to myself.

Hubby brought DD down. She curled up on the couch with her cats as usual, and watched tv. So far, same ole, except that DS was still in bed. Very unusual, as he's usually the first of us to wake up. I told DD that I would provide her with something to eat if and when she told me she wanted something. I accept that the idea taht food makes her ill in the morning, especially foods with strong smells, so I'm not cooking these days.

DS finally wakes up, and joins DD. I get a box of Cheerios, and he and I happily munch on them. With about 20 minutes to go, I announce that I am going to get the kids dressed. I do so. No problems....

As usual, when the time draws near to leave, I get up and start racing around. This is just what I do. I put things in the car, and do this I do that.... DD gets up and starts to go through her routine, too. As usual, she has her "as we're going out the door" stuff she "suddenly" remembers she needs, but even this is not too frenzied today. She gets her cloth (a wash cloth. She started this at her old school. She takes a cloth with her every day. It's almost like her security blanket. In prek and K, she would chew on it, yuck. Now she just has it, I think.) She will usually jump into the bathroom at the very last second. Honestly, I can't remember if she did so today. This particular part of the routine has relaxed some, now that she is comfortable using the bathroom at school. Once in the car, DD complained of having a belly ache. I told her I was sorry, and as always, was genuinely sympathetic. After all, the poor thing got this condition from me! She said something about being anxious, and I found myself suggesting she try to focus on the moment. At this moment, I explained, she is with me and her brother, in the car, and we're fine. I could really use this advice myself! I am anxious about going away this weekend, just the kids and me. Be in the moment, Mama! =)

Drop-off was fine. She timidly got out of the car, took her stuff from me, and walked with me as far as the path, where the assistant teacher was waiting with a few other kids. She slowly walked into the building, with a wave to me and DS.

I left thinking that she is adjusting. No barf today, only a sort of resignation to the situation. Of course I wish she looked forward to going. She doesn't. But she is becoming accepting of it, and she seems to be joining in while there. Her teacher did inform me that DD won't talk to her during lessons, but that she will talk with her about other subjects. The teacher feels she will "come around," and I hope she does. I am going to focus on the amazing things she has done in the 6 days of school she's had so far, and process other areas of growth later! I did ask the teacher to let me know if there are areas I can help out with at home.

Anyhow, she's looking forward to a weekend away. A nice reward for all her hard work. =)

SIGH (parenting)

2010-09-15T16:38:00.000-04:00

Maybe I beating this topic to death, but I think it helps me to vent when I'm in the thick of all of this.

First of all, darling daughter IS adjusting to her new school, and seems happy enough most days. But she is throwing up every morning before we leave. Today she couldn't eat anything, and was panicked about having not eaten before going to school. I wasn't too worried about that because I know that she can grab a snack at school whenever she feels the need. Anyhow...

So today DS and I picked her up, and all was well. In fact, the kids miss each other a lot during the day, so they're very cute after school. He had told me during the day that he missed her. She came home with a picture she drew for him, with his name written all over it. Cute. Nice.

So at some point, we were just talking, and somehow the topic came up of a function my husband and I have to participate in for our son's school. It's a fund raiser, and we're being asked to work two five hour shifts to help with it. Of course my first thought was that there was no way I would get away with being gone for five hours at a stretch, so hubby and I had already agreed that we'd split the shifts. So anyhow, my daughter and I were talking, and the subject of the fund raiser came up. She asked what it was. I explained it to her, and she was excited at first. She wanted to be involved. I explained that it might be fun for a while, but five hours in a row might be a lot for her. I explained that she and her brother would just hang out with whichever of us wasn't working. She immediately got upset, saying she was going to stay with me wherever I was. I explained that I would be working, and it might get boring. She then said she'd stay home. I told her that was fine, she would only need to leave the house briefly so that hubby could come relieve me, or vice versa. She became so upset by this thought that she actually broke out in tears. (She is SIX years old) She said she was concerned about needing to use the bathroom on the drive. UGH. I told her that she'd be driving in to town and back. She went on and on about it. I told her she was being ridiculous. She said she wouldn't drive with her papa because of the bathroom. My entire insides felt like they became tied in knots. Seriously, this is getting beyond ridiculous, and it ticks me off that I have to be so confined by her anxiety!! I am so sympathetic so much of the time, but when I can't move, I get annoyed. Pissed! Anyhow, she asked me how long there was until the fund raiser. I told her that it is a MONTH away, but that even if it was a day away it shouldn't matter, because it really is not a big deal! I told her it was an obligation that her father and I have, and that it really has nothing to do with her. But she is insisting that she won't leave the house while I am away! So now my husband will be confined to the house during those shifts, not to mention our son. It's so frustrating! I suggested that we might have to get a babysitter because hubby and I will have to leave the house. She actually agreed to that plan, and said that grandma would need to stay at the house with her, and that our son would have to be with her! Her conditions are maddening!! Yes, folks, we're talking about something that is not occurring for a month! Oh!

Just needed to vent. =)

Week 2 Approaches (child anxiety)

2010-09-12T21:50:00.002-04:00

By all accounts, my daughter had a good first week of school. Those of you who have followed this line of thought all along know that DD has some pretty intense anxiety issues, and that transitions can be very, very hard for her. And she nailed the first week of school. And at a new school where she knew no one. Atta girl! But the anxiety still exists. Of course it does.

Last night, Saturday night, she is having trouble falling asleep. She had slept quite late, so perhaps she just wasn't tired yet. But even this change in routine has got her (and ME) on edge. I am not allowed to leave the room until she falls asleep (kind of a bone-head thing I allowed to happen...I've always been there until the kids have fallen asleep) It is becoming obvious she is not going to settle down to sleep, and hubby suggests we allow her to come downstairs with us. Not ideal. Definitely not. I am quite protective of my evening time, as it is part of a very little bit of time I get to have sans kids during the day. I finally agree. She comes downstairs, sits in a chair, and waits. After a fairly short time of this (what were we going to do? We couldn't really watch the movie we've been watching - too violent. I didn't want to break out any food and set that precedence.) I gave up and decided to go to bed. We went up, I read, and we both went to sleep. Fast forward to tonight. Before even getting into bed, DD is anxiously informing me, again and again and again, that if she can't sleep, she is going to come downstairs with me. Ugh, I think. What I say is something along the lines of it being really important that she try to get to sleep as she has to get up early, blah de blah, parent-talk parent-talk. I read to the kids, DS falls asleep easily as usual, and DD pushes herself right up against me and hooks her arm through mine. I am sure she is trying to set herself up so that if I move, she'll be aware of it. I am feeling choked by her anxiety, again. I want to be understanding, and when given a little space I almost always am, but sometimes I get a little annoyed. I have gotten somewhat better at expressing something other than what I am feeling. I want her to feel loved and understood. It cannot be easy or fun to go through what she goes through. After a fairly short amount of time, she fell asleep. Hubby was about to come through the door with a creaky laundry basket, and I chased him out with a stern, "Do not wake her up!" I explained, of course, and he put the basket in another room.

Her anxiety manifests in other ways too, ways that are so a part of our lives that I forget to mention them. She refuses to go anywhere without me. Refuses. It doesn't matter where. Today we ran errands. If I went into a store, she went too. If I stayed in the car, she stayed in the car, too. She wanted to go swimming today. Hours went by and I lost interest in the trip. Hubby offered to take her, she refused. "NOT without Mama!!" She goes through short phases where she will do something with him, but mostly not. And it's been a long time since she has.

So here I am, downstairs, ready for some me time, but I have to reprocess everything first. It's what I do, and part of what I have to do to manage my own anxiety. Maybe now I can relax, and get ready to face week 2. Now that the acuteness of the first couple of days has passed, we will find out how her general anxiety plays out in this new environment. Fingers crossed and praying that Montessori is everything I have been hoping for...

More For The Etsy Shop (sewing)

2010-09-11T11:20:00.000-04:00

It's a funny conflict for me. With the chill in the air, I feel the urge to make things and get my Etsy shop filled. People buy stuff for school, and start to think about getting gifts for the winter holidays. I want to have stuff to offer. At the same time, I have so little sewing time, that I prefer to sew stuff for my kids, and for the house. Hm. So I have to compromise. A little of this and a little of that.

I made these for my dear son, but totally misjudged his size this time. He seems to be outgrowing some stuff, so I made this in the next biggest size. He SWAM in them. So to the shop they went!

I really should prepare during the year and do craft shows. I would probably have more success with them than I do with Etsy, simply because Etsy requires a more constant focus. Maybe next year....

My Etsy shop is here.

Day 3 of School

2010-09-10T21:33:00.000-04:00

6:30 a.m., the blasting alarm gets hubby flying. Literally. Across the room to turn the obnoxious thing off. A minute or two later, darling boy and I get up. About 7am, we collect little girl from bed. Oh, she looks tired. Poor thing. To the couch they go. And on goes the tv.

I gently move around, getting things done. I make myself some toast, and offer to make something for DD, "when you're ready." The kids are watching a Leap Frog "educational" dvd about alphabet sounds. DD periodically tells me I can make her something to eat "after the B." Then, "after the M" then "after the W" and so forth. In the meantime, I bring my toast to the couch, and DS asks for some. DD immediately turns green and starts coughing. She just can't handle the concept of food. Still way to anxious. And yet she wants to eat before school. Hm. She informs me that she has a sore throat, and makes a feeble argument for staying home today.

As the time approaches 8 a.m., I start to get the kids dressed. DD and I had previously discussed her not wearing a pull-up to school any longer, but maybe using a pad of some sort, if needed. (Ya do what you have to do, we're talking the difference between anxiety and panic attack here) I informed DD that I have not had time to make any pads yet, but I had a paper substitute she could. Unexpectedly, this resulted in her bursting in to tears, saying she could NOT use a paper one, and needed a pull-up. I informed her that she would not be using a pull-up. At this point I decided to tell her that her teacher had suggested to me that she not wear them any more, and I told her the teacher's reasons behind that. She absorbed this information for a while.

After getting DD dressed, she informed me that she wasn't in the mood for a dress (unusual) because she didn't like the idea of having to mess with it to get to her pants. Ok. (Mama is started to get agitated at this point. I'm not a terribly patient person, and this is starting to get on my nerves...) I race around, watching the clock, and find her another shirt in the dryer. She agrees to wear it, and we change her shirt.

I am then grabbing shoes and socks and stuffing them on the kids. It is officially time to go. Then, as we're walking out the door, DD announces she wants to use the bathroom. I am officially irritable and impatient at this point, and I tell her to "Go!" Of course I then feel bad for barking at her, and once she is clipped in the car and ready to go, I apologize to her and explain that part of my anxiety manifests in extreme anxiety if I think I/we might be late. This applied to most any situation. I hate to be late. (As a result I am often early, and end up sitting around waiting)

We get to school, and I explain to DS how this works. I don't want him freaking because he can't get out of the car. No problems there. On the way, DD had gone over and over and over with me what I am to say to the teacher who meets us at the car. That she had a sore throat this morning, and if she has to go to the bathroom and they are outside for recess she will tell this particular student, and so on and so on. Okokok. We greet the teacher, I give her the messages, and my daughter is on her way in, again.

Fast forward to 2:50pm, and DS and I are once again parked at the curbside, next to DD's school. She comes out, smiles when she sees us (I love that) and walks toward the car. This little girl looks beat. She is walking slowly, her face looks almost sleepy. For one thing, she hardly ate a thing from her lunch box. I'm not sure why, but she told me that she wasn't in the mood for her sandwich, didn't like the cheese, etc and so forth. I attempt to feed her, but the fact is, she is not hungry. She is calm for the rest of the day, and goes to bed quickly and without argument. She was tired. I told her, twice, how very proud I am of how she has faced her first week of school. And I really, really am.

AAaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! (parenting)

2010-09-09T10:07:00.000-04:00

This is how my day has gone so far.

I am woken by my son, as usual. After lying in bed for a little while, we get up. It is 6:30 a.m. My son has had no trouble at all switching to our school schedule, it seems. We head downstairs. Dear daughter has seen us, but chooses to stay in bed for a while. Good girl. 7 a.m., she comes down, too.

The kids are hungry. It's a day off from school, so I decide to make pancakes. Awesome. The kids are in to it, and help out. Each ingredient has to be added by half, so each child gets to add some. I get an ear full when my son gets to add extra stuff. She had been busy mixing, so I just handed him the stuff. Bad call, Mama. We make the pancakes, they eat. My son is "butter man" and my daughter is "syrup woman." They both do a pretty good job of this. No major catastrophes. Before I've even made my own pancakes, they are done, and have run off. My mommy brain tells me that I have a little while before I need to check in on things, so I clean up and eat. I decide that I'll put the news on while I eat. I get absorbed in a news story about the tv Brady family, and another one of those "where they are now" shows. I only watch for about five minutes. I clean my plate up, then head upstairs.

In total, less than 10 minutes has gone by since the kids left the kitchen. I walk in to DD's room to find them systematically throwing small beads, erasers and other little things out of the hole in the window screen. The hole in the window screen?? I ask DD if she made the hole, and bless her little 6-year-old heart, she honestly nods her head. I take it what all they are doing, inform her that that was not the best idea she's ever had, and go take a shower. The shower is a way for me to think through how I want to handle all of this. Before getting in, I inform her what the purpose of the screen is, and how it will now need to be replaced. "It will?" grrr.... I take my shower.

I have not raised my voice at all. I am worried about under-reacting. I inform her that I think she'll need to help pay for the new screen with her allowance. I ask the children to stop pushing things out of the hole. They have continued to work on this for the duration of my (short) shower. DD stops right away, two-year-old DS is less willing. I start to lecture DD. I add, of course, that she is modeling behaviors for little brother. (As if she is not aware of this, as if she doesn't use him in her plots!)

I inform DD that she will need to go outside and pick all of the little things out of the landscaping before she can move on to anything else. She takes this fairly well in her stride. She gets herself dressed, and heads out. DD is SLOW in most everything she does. And she is SLOW with this. I am an impatient person, but I am working very hard at not letting myself take over and just get the job done already! I pace around as she ggrraadduuaallyy moves around the bushes, picking up one bead here, an eraser over there.........argh! Periodically she picks up a stick and sticks it in the pricker bush. Then she needs to go in to use the bathroom. Etc and so forth. When she comes out, I can't take it any more, and I start to help. She has done most of it by this point. We finish up (I'm sure there are 100 more beads out there hiding) and head in.

I inform her that what I should do is take away her play date from today, but the fact is, I don't want to take that away. For one thing, it's our main plan for today, the first holiday from school. And I need the distraction! And she does, too. And the other thing is that we are getting together with her best friend, and the two of them now go to different schools. Her mom and I understand the importance of their friendship, and really want to keep them connected. So while out there, as she complained about how un-fun it was picking up the tiny little objects, I lectured that maybe next time she would remember what a drag it was picking up after herself, and maybe she'd make a different decision next time. She told me (and I thought this was cute) that she did it because it was fun, even though she had an awareness that it was not a good idea. Enter me, saying that there are many such things in life, and that sometimes the aftermath makes the fun thing not worth it, and that hopefully she'll learn to make good decisions about these things on her own. (Please, please!)

Next scene, we're in the house, and the kids are in the living room. DD asks to watch a program. DS declares he does not want to watch a program. DD picks her program, and I put it on. DS freaks, saying he did not want to watch a program. This is an old lecture, but I remind him, again, that he does not need to watch, he can choose to go do something else. Both kids seem to think that if the tv is on, they MUST be in front of it, whether it's something the want to watch or not. I hate this. I have started to limit the tv a bit. I get so sick of it. And arguing over what program to watch just seems so idiotic to me. Argue about something substantial! Give me a break!

I am hoping our play date calls soon. It's 10 a.m.

Day 2 of School - End Result

2010-09-08T15:59:00.000-04:00

* She had a good day
* She did some bonding with another girl
* She said Spanish class was boring =)
* She ate most of her lunch and all of her snack =)=)=)
* She used the bathroom at school =)=)=)
* She said there are a lot of boys in her class
* She said she wished tomorrow wasn't a day off, she wants to go to school. SHE WANTS TO GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost wish there was school tomorrow so she didn't have the transition back to being home for the day, then back for a day, then off for the weekend, then a full week of school....

I am happy for her. And for all of us. =)

Day 2 of School - The Anxiety Wave Spreads Out

2010-09-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

My dear daughter had a good day yesterday, but I knew that didn't mean we were out of the woods as far as her anxiety (and mine!) was concerned. Mama knows.

So this morning, the alarm clock goes off, and DD reached for me immediately. I collect her and we head downstairs. Alarms were obviously going off in her head as well. I brought her to the couch, and started through the morning routine of going through everything in the house that we could make for breakfast. DD finally settles on seasoned black beans. I make them, and put them on the table. I call both kids (DS got up very shortly after DD) to the table, and looked at DD. I've seen this look before. There was no way she could come to the table. The very idea of food was making her physically sick. (I have been through this sensation many times in the past, part of my anxiety) I told her to stay put. She says she needs to eat something mild, and chooses soup. We don't have any that appeals to her, so hubby offers to head to a nearby convenience store. He comes back and prepares chicken noodle soup for her. I am now helping her to get dressed, and starting to get in to race-against-the-clock mode. DD gets up and starts to head for the bathroom. She asks me what would happen if she threw up. Then she did so. Despite my predictions and directions to stop moving and take deep breaths. Ugh. She barfs on the floor. Then moves to another part of the room, and barfs again. UGH. She then anxiously starts saying that kids who throw up need to stay home from school, right? I told her that we needed to try school today, and if she was sick, I would come get her. Hubby comes along to deal with the floor as I scoot DD out the door. By the way, DS has managed today much better than yesterday. I explained to him at some point during the morning that I would once again be taking DD to school, and asked him what games he would be playing with Papa while I was gone. He was relaxed and understanding of the situation this time. He commented that I "always take DD to school." I explained to him that after today, he would be coming with me to take her to school. He is also starting school next week, and I"m sure all of this is a bit confusing to him! But he's dealing a-ok today.

Anyhow, she self-talks all the way to school, and asks me (a bit ritualistically) to tell the teachers that she threw up, and to call me if she throws up again. Okokok I say. I drop her off, inform the teacher who was waiting at the curb, and in she went. She looked back at me, I blew her some kisses, and she waved. Poor sweet little thing! Can't wait for 2:50pm.

Now I"m off to take DS to his school, where he has a play date today.

Onward and onward.....

First Day of School Part Three - YEAH!

2010-09-07T16:03:00.000-04:00

I sat at the kitchen table after writing "Part 2" and tapped my foot on the floor. And waited very anxiously for it to be time to go get DD. Finally the time came, and after using the loo several times (one of my anxious tendencies) I collected DS from the couch and got into the car.

I arrived at the school and hoped I was stopped in the right spot: I was the only one there. But a short while later, cars started lining up behind me, which put my mind at ease. And then I waited. And waited. And waited!! It was only about 7 minutes, but my heart was beating out of my chest. The door opened....nope. It was someone else. It opened again....nope. Someone else. Argh! The door opened, and out walked a line of children, and.... there she was!. Before she got to me, the Head of School informed me that she had a great first day of school. She was telling me a list of things she participated in today, but none of it sunk in. I was focused on her! She got to me, I took her stuff, and put it, and her, in the car. Then DD's teacher was calling my name. (uh-oh?) She came up to me and told me the same thing, that DD had had a fantastic first day of school. She informed me that she wanted to tell DD that. For sure! So she opened DD's door, and said the same thing to her. Then off we went. I wanted to hear from HER!

And yes, she really DID have a good day! She told me about this and that. But the things that stood out, the main things that were plaguing my mind, were these: She told me that the second time she used the bathroom, there were no towels left to wipe her hands with, so she had to use her shirt. SHE USED THE BATHROOM AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahem. Scuse me. The other thing that had me doing cartwheels was that she ATE AT SCHOOL, TOO. SHE ATE AT SCHOOL!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course the way I responded was to 1) ask her if she was wet all day and 2) to listen while she told me that they turn the lights off and light a candle at lunch time, and in neither case did I get spazzy and let her know how THRILLED I was that she chose to move on in both of these situations, both of which cause her incredibly intense anxiety at her former school. AND ON THE FIRST DAY! GO GIRL GO!

So after chatting about school for a while, I asked her what her favorite part of the school day was. She said she didn't have a favorite part, IT WAS ALL FUN.

I asked her if she's nervous about going to school tomorrow. She said, "a little bit."

Proud doesn't begin to describe how I feel. I am in awe of her ability to move herself through and past her anxieties. I know, I know. It's not the end of the story yet. We have a lot more to face, with a new place, new people, and a new set of expectations, but I have been stressing today for MONTHS, and I am so happy that it went so well! =)=)=)

First Day of School Part Two

2010-09-07T14:15:00.000-04:00

Before driving away from my highly nervous daughter this morning, I informed her teacher that I would call in an hour or two to check in, to which she replied, "sure." I didn't want to call too soon and give the impression that I was going to be a pain. I didn't want to wait too long and give the impression that I didn't really care. I called at 11:20 a.m., after DD had been at her new school for two hours.

The phone was answered by the mother of one of DD's classmates, who works at the school a couple of times a week. This is someone I have met, and the mother of the girl I tried four times to get together with this summer, without success. Anyhow, we are familiar with each other, and I identified myself. I told her I was just calling to check in. She informed me that the teacher had been to the office to inform her that I would be calling, and to tell me that DD is "doing fantastic. No tears."

Well. That was certainly nice to hear. Now I get it that they don't know her, and maybe she is just "dealing." She has never been one to carry on and on. But I am glad to know that she is facing it with swords blazing. I can't wait to see her later!

25 minutes til I leave to pick her up. DS is napping! I forgot about that possibility! Time to myself that was completely unanticipated. Cool!

But I do look forward to getting my dear girl and bringing her home again. Starting a day with that much anxiety, and facing anything with swords blazing inevitably will result in one wrung-out, tired, and likely starving little girl. Tick-tock...

First Day of School

2010-09-07T09:33:00.001-04:00

DD has been at school now for 30 minutes.

I woke DD up at about 6:50 a.m. She got up right away. I carried her downstairs and set her on the couch where her little brother was waiting for her.

I made breakfast, and gave it to them.

Both kids enthusiastically assisted with the transfer of the fish from their temporary home back to the plastic fishy bags that came from the pet store.

I get dressed. Hubby notes that we had better get DD dressed. It was fast approaching 8:00 a.m. Got DD dressed, and she's just starting to show signs of stress. I grab her shoes, and she tells me she wants to put them on herself. (Neat) I head of to put stuff in the car, and the full panic attack hits. And DS starts to get into the act, too. While hubby bolts the door to keep DS inside, DD bolts upstairs and locks herself in her room, screaming. I go right up behind her and unlock the door. A surprised girl then screams some more and crawls into her closet. I gently extract her, trying to gently reassure her. I start to walk with her, and she tells me that she will walk herself. (Again, impressive!) I ask her if she will walk herself. She gets down and does so. DD then needs to go to the bathroom. I wait for her to do so, with a real urgency to get out the door for DS's sake, as he has entered full panic mode at this point. DD finishes, and we head out the door. I clip her in and hand her the fish. We drive. DD self talks all the way. She processes the bathroom (she never used the bathroom on her own at her former school) She wants to identify a friend to inform if she needs to call me to help her in the bathroom. I remind her that if she has to go, she just goes. She processes this, saying that she'll go right when she gets there, right before every class, and before going out for recess. She adds here and there that she'll go if her pull-up leaks. Yep, she insisted on wearing a pull-up today. I reminded her that she shouldn't need to use it, it's just there for reassurance. And so forth. She actually said at one point that she doesn't know why she gets nervous. I took that opportunity to remind her that sometimes people with a lot of anxiety see low-stress situations as being very threatening until we become familiar with them. Etc. I was really impressed with her processing. She did have a panic attack, but then faced the situation maturely (she is only 6 years old!) and faced it like the brave warrior that she is.

We arrived. One of the teachers is waiting on the curb (forget her name - damn!) and greets us. Immediately DD's head teacher is there, and greets DD in her mellow style. She delves right in to talking about the fish (awesome) and asks DD about their names. DD answers her confidently. (Atta girl!!) Teacher says bye to me, and I drive away. I watch as DD walks with the teacher. DD carries her back pack (which I said was empty but isn't - it has her lunch. Shoot - hope she finds it!) Teacher carries her heavy bag of school supplies. She glanced at it with a slightly surprised look (hey, it's only stuff they said they require!) and carried that in for DD.

And so. I stopped at the Y as planned, and went home. And found that hubby and DS were gone. Hm. I predicted that DS was so upset that hubby didn't know what else to do with him but drive. I called him, and that's basically what transpired. They returned a minute later. Both were calm. I hugged DS and talked to him a little bit about the morning, and said that we were all nervous this morning, but we're all ok now. He said he was ok. I got hubby up to speed with the drop-off, and he left for work.

So now I watch the clock a little, write this, spend time with DS, and try to have awareness of my own tension. (I feel exhausted, slightly pre-headachey, and anxious to have the day be done) But I move forward. DS wants to play computer games, so that's what we'll do. Then DD's best friend's mom invited me and DS to go meet her and her kids for a picnic at a local park. So we'll plan to go do that. And we'll go from there.

Breathe in, breathe out. Love you, sweetheart. And thinking of you nonstop.

Chattering Teeth... (First Day of School Tomorrow.....)

2010-09-06T17:59:00.002-04:00

The countdown to the first day at DD's new school has started, and I am anxious! I am trying to act cool as a cucumber, because I want to model a "no big deal" attitude for my poor anxious daughter. To be fair, she hasn't entered panic-mode at all so far. She has done a really (really, really!) good job of focusing on aspects of school without seeming to be freaked out too much. For example, she has bought these two fish, which will go into the classroom fish tank. She feeds and changes their water every day (just a little, fish fanatics, because there is no filter and it's kinda murky) and talks to them. But she has NOT named "her" fish, which is interesting. Each of my kids picked one fish, so DS got to name "his" fish, which he named after one of the cats! =) I asked DD if she would prefer to bring the fish on the second day of school because she will be bringing a lot of stuff with her tomorrow. But no, she prefers to bring them tomorrow, and says she's going to carry them, which gives me some hope...... but I am not fooled by it all. I have seen DD get all the way to school cool as the afore mentioned cuke, then freak with panic once we're in the room. So ....

I know that drop-off will be challenging, and I am prepared to give her a quick pep-talk on the way to school, then drive off when she is collected. (The teachers collect the students from their cars!) I have been preparing for this for months in my head! (Sick, I know) I am a bit worried that I"ll forget something. This child has to bring the usual school supply "list" of stuff. Plus shoes that are just for the classroom. Plus clean gym shoes. Plus a placemat/napkin/napkin ring. Plus her lunch and snack. Plus a change of clothing. Plus a plant. Plus the fish. Yikes! Today I started a list, and tonight I plan to get every possible thing packed and in the car. Last year I forgot her lunch on the FIRST day. Sh*t!!

After drop-off, I then plan to zip over to the Y, which is right in the same complex, and pick up a fitness schedule. Then it's home, to relieve hubby, who will be watching DS. I shall most likely be in a total state of high alert for the duration of the school day. But I will need to be mommy to DS, and that means finding something fun to do, as he will not have DD to entertain him for SIX and a half hours. Gads.

I am grateful that hubby will be here in the morning to help me get through it all.

Tonight I plan to take one of DD's old t-shirts and iron on a picture of her kitty cats. I promised her we'd do this, and it simply hasn't come to be. She did pick two photos today, one of each of them. So I will print those out and put them on a shirt for tomorrow. I am hopeful that people will ask her about them, and she can enter into one of her comfort zones. (What would we do without those cats?!?!)

I feel that DD has come far enough in her self-confidence that she will get through and past this without serious consequences. I hope I am right about that! She does like people a lot, and does like attention. I am hoping that is enough these days to pull her through. It's like a cat who is timidly hiding behind a bookcase, but just can't stand to ignore the string that is being jiggled around just a little bit away. DD's need to connect with people draws her out. She's just got to get over that hump. That anticipation which can cause her to see so many situations as being dangerous and terrifying.

C'mon Montessori, do your magic!!! And as for me, I will be relying on some time outdoors in nature to soothe my weary and nervous spirit. We won't go too far. But I think some time outdoors is key.

Forward, march.

Random Life Update

2010-09-04T18:26:00.000-04:00

I don't have anything particular to write about. I just sort of feel like rambling on about this and that. It helps me to sort it all out.

I remember when I was in high school, I used to go up to visit with the school nurse, who was a really cool lady named Joyce. (I have never met a Joyce I didn't like, now that I think about it) She was just one of those people who would ask how you are, then keep asking questions to keep you blabbering. By the time the conversation was done, I always felt .. well .. somehow more organized! I always imagined this disorganized, messy bookshelf that had gotten tipped over. When we were done talking, the book shelf was straightened up again. I think she was in the wrong field. =)

Anyhow, occasionally I just feeling like "straightening up" by blabbering about this and that. So here goes, in no particular order.

*School starts next week. My neck is in an almost chronic state of tightness because of this fact. DD sways between "I told you, I am NOT going to school" and being excited by some aspect of it, such as the fish she has been invited to bring to add to the classroom tank. Her tension comes out in other ways, too. She has to know where I am ALL the time. She asks me all the time where I am, even if I am in the next room. She has to tell me when she is going to use the bathroom. She complains about belly aches a lot, especially in the evening as I go to take my evening "break" of one hour, which is nearly always in the house, upstairs. She has started to go through a ritual with this, telling me her plan of action if she does get a belly ache. It's the same each time. I have seen her develop rituals in the past. It gives her comfort. Personally, I look forward to the first day being over! (Not to mention the first week...) I hate to wish our lives away. But this is a tension that will be nice to have behind us.

*I am still tired absolutely all the time. I don't know what the hell to do about it except to deal. I know I need more recharge time. It ain't easy. I could push it, and probably should. But DD's anxiety issues make this hard, and hubby's quick temper with DD does too. More exercise would certainly be a good thing. But other than my one hour evening break, and the occasional weekend breaks, I am with the kids all the time. If I start to exercise in front of the Wii, they join in for a few minutes (great!) then take over. Today, which the kids were playing outside, I got on the trampoline. My dear son, usually so sweet, told me to get off, it is THEIR trampoline! Wowow! =( My diet sucks. That's another thing I could change. My biggest desire would be to have more friends. That's what it always comes down to. I am a people-person, and I am simply happier when I have people around me. I have huge stretches of time without other adults, and it makes me depressed. People are always saying that yeah, we should get together, but no one ever initiates with me. And I get tired of doing all the inviting, ya know?

*I love sewing. It makes me happy. I've always loved creating things, but this is the craft that has stuck with me the longest. It brings me a lot of happiness. So I do it a lot.

*I am happy that fall is coming around the corner. I really dread winter. But I love the fall. That boosts my spirits a little.

*My skin continues to improve with my current supplements and essential oils. That is wonderful. Just wonderful.

*I have mixed feelings about DS going to school this year. I know he'll love it, and that's why I did it. And I cannot WAIT to have some me time. I am long and desperately overdue. But I will miss him. He is my baby. After him, no more babies. Sad.

*Hubby feels the pressure of our expensive lives. He wants me to start bringing in income, as soon as I can. I want to, but I also want a little time to get myself back from the abyss that I feel I live in all the time now. And I don't know what to do for work. He sometimes says it would be helpful for me to work with him, and sometimes implies that it wouldn't work. I hated my former work. I want to develop a website for those with serious diseases, to help them find the resources they need. How do I do this and make a living at it? I am starting to look in to this. But I'll probably need something more reliable for a while.

*I need something(s) to feel excited about. I wish I knew where to start.

My "break" is ending.

I'm Sewing For the Shop Again

2010-08-28T08:45:00.000-04:00

I go through phases with my Etsy shop. I'm hearing the blue jays calling in the fall, and I can feel the chill in the air. It makes me want to create warm things, and at the moment it's hatshatshats!!

Holistic Health Management - Another Attempt At Finding a Guide

2010-08-27T12:57:00.000-04:00

I am trying to restore my health, physical and emotional, through natural means. I am fairly new to it, and am hoping to find someone to help guide me. I tried the Natural Health Improvement Center in a nearby town, and after finding myself "detoxing" with strong stomach discomfort without knowledge of what was going on and what the goals for me were, I decided that it was not for me! But I'm feeling tired and crummy and tense and down and in the need of serious recharging. While some of the ways of achieving that are pretty obvious, others are not so clear to me, and so.

Yesterday I went to a center in town which houses a large number of holistic practitioners with many different areas of expertise. The one I sought out is a woman who, among other things, practices acupuncture and Chinese medicine. I looked her up after several people, from Holistic Moms Network and other places, recommended Chinese medicine as a good approach to seeking good health through holistic means. And I really would like someone who is knowledgeable in the areas of health management that I am interested in and am currently using to help guide me in my efforts.

The woman I met with is knowledgeable in acupuncture (which I've never had,) Chinese herbs (no experience here either,) movement (yoga and another I can never remember the name of. I have done yoga many times and love it) aromatherapy (I have been dabbling with essential oils for a few months now) and Eastern nutrition (whatever that is.)

For starters, I have to tell you that I was with this woman for 2 1/2 hours. She was thorough. I started by completing paperwork, which took a while. Health history and whatnot. I sat in the hallway in an upholstered chair with muted colors all around, and soft music. She then took the paperwork, left me in the hall, and went over the paperwork by herself. We then talked about what she does, and she drew me some diagrams of basic Chinese medicine principles. (I couldn't reproduce that for you if I tried, but maybe I can find a good link...) She talked about yin and yang (which she pronounced yong) and the seasons, and the body. She seemed to think that most of my complains were in two general, related areas. She then did a demonstration of acupuncture on herself, then treated me. Acupuncture was about what I expected. I really didn't feel anything other that some localized itching around two of the needles. She explained that the itching is due to "heat" coming out, or through, or something. She then jabbed another needle in one of my toes (ouch!) which took the itching away. :/ Anyhow, I don't know about anything else, but it WAS nice to just lie there and think my thoughts for a while!

She informed me that she will begin with Eastern nutrition, then as we meet over time, she'll introduce other areas of interest. She looked at my tongue (?) and told me that I need more fluid, in the form of water and vegetables (veggies, she explained, are like a time-release water source) She asked me to keep a food journal, keeping careful note of the time I eat things. She asked me to note any changes in myself, in any aspect of my being. And she informed me that future meetings, which would initially be twice a month, would be for about 1.25 hours each. I have to say that appeals to me, for the break from my reality it will give me!

And she sent me on my way. So..... so far so good I guess. She is going to help me with essential oils, and informed me that from a Chinese medicine perspective, the oils are very strong, and should be used sparingly. She said that rather than use them daily, they might, for example, be used three times a week for two weeks, then take 2-3 weeks off. Interesting.

I look forward to learning about the movement.

Letter To A Friend (Re: Child-Rearing/Anxiety)

2010-08-25T08:53:00.000-04:00

A friend and I talk often about parenting, and the decisions that are presented to us every day. In response to a thoughtful letter she wrote me, I wrote the following. I'm sharing it because it actually made me feel better to write down my thoughts. I am always open to your responses, whether similar or vastly different. Perhaps journaling (in addition to blogging!) would help me to sort some of this stuff and relieve some of my stress. In my spare time!! =)

Hi (friend),

I have been thinking about how to present my thought on all of this since I read your message yesterday.

Let me start by saying that I have always been of the mind that a child should have an opinion and options in all situations unless unsafe or unrealistic. That being said, I have found many situations where this approach didn't always work.

How to expand on that? Well, for one, there have been many, many times when my father has made comments to me and (hubby) that "what (DD) wants, (DD) gets." Yes, I have enough self-confidence in my feelings about parenting that I hear him but do what I feel is best. But I HEAR him, and I think about it.

And there have been situations more recently that have made involving her in every decision a bit of a challenge. She has taken to refusing to go out unless it is to her choice of destination, for example. Adjusting to having to go to school when she didn't want to was almost too high a mountain to climb.

As much as I, and I believe most, parents would like to have the time and patience to review every situation with our kids and to process with them for as long as it takes for him or her to feel heard and to come to an understanding, it simply isn't possible all of the time. Lord knows I am not the most patient person in the world, and I would feel better about myself if I took more time to review things with my kids. The reality is that I am impatient, get frustrated easily, and expect my kids to accept and move on more than is ideal.

So! When I am faced with something like the school situation, I am always conflicted!! I HATE that (DD) feels sad and stressed and nervous about going to school. It breaks my heart every day, even all summer! I hate it. At the same time, I NEED a little space from her in order to regroup and recharge. I have learned the hard way that if I don't get any space, I take it out on HER. And then feel horrible, and on and on.

The answers are never easy! I have and do wonder if homeschooling would be good for us, but I also see how (DD) lights up when she is around other people, both kids and adults, and she just wouldn't get as much of that if she was taught at home. For every day that I took her to school sad and scared, she came home saying she had a good day, and sang songs from school and talked about cool things she did that day. Ak!

(DD) has transition issues. I have been told again and again that after a few minutes of being upset, MOST of the time (DD) calms down and joins in whatever is going on. She still talks about fun things she did at Tiny Tots camp last summer. She LOVED her pre-k teacher. So what do I do?

I hope and pray that I am doing the right thing by pushing her through the rough spots. I tell myself that I am helping (DD) to live in the "real" world by urging her to face her anxieties a bit, so that larger anxieties later in life won't broad side her.

Do I hate the idea of leaving her crying? (Friend), it rips my heart out. The stupid school asked me for permission to take her in kicking and screaming. I hate that. But the alternative is to sit in the car with a progressively upset child who becomes more and more unwilling to get out and face her day, has her anxiety relieved by returning home, and an increased belief that school is an impossible hurdle. My daughter needs a push. And I had to learn that the hard way!!!!!!! I don't like being the pusher!!! In pre-k, (Hubby) had to take her to school for a week, as (DD) and I were too intertwined to reach our goal of a successful transition to school. This is hard for me!!!!!!! But having a child who does not have the same kind of anxiety, who walks unafraid into a new situation, actually makes the job a little easier. I can see more clearly that I am not pushing my un-ready child into the fire, I am helping my healthy child with out of control anxiety to pop over the top of the hill, after which she is very likely to coast down the other side. Does that make it easier? Sighs. Only a little.

The fact is, I am fried. I am TIRED. My body hurts. My relationship is a far distance from what we want it to be. So I'm not doing things in a way that is perfect for me, or her, or the rest of us. I am making decisions on the fly every day. And I go to bed absolutely whipped every night. And wake up tired. I don't know all the answers. And I carry the weight of these things maybe more than most, due to my own anxiety issues. And (Hubby) doesn't deal well with anxiety, either. So we've kind of got the cards stacked against us with this stuff! But we carry on.

And yes, with two parents, you have two opinions, and it is inevitable they will conflict now and then. But perhaps having both helps a child to be more well-rounded. Sounds good, right? ;)

(DD), in some ways, holds me hostage because I am so hesitant to do things she's not comfortable with. That's not healthy for either of us. I rarely go out because she doesn't want to be away from me. (Hubby) and I very rarely go out, because she's anxious about baby sitters. While on our trip, she wouldn't sit at a dinner table while I went to get my food. She had to walk with me every where I went. On one side, I don't want her to be anxious so I tell her where I'm going all the time. On the other hand, I can't do a thing on my own! So where do you draw the line?

Sighs.

(Signed, me)

Montessori - Latest visit

2010-08-24T12:02:00.000-04:00

So we visited. This morning. For an hour and a half.

Let's just say the teacher and Head of School got a good idea of what they may be up against in the first weeks of school. Hm.

At the moment, they have camp going on in the classroom where DD will have school. The room was filled with quiet, busy children. DS marched right in, as is his style. DD timidly followed him. The HOS had informed the teacher that DD would be coming in, so she made a point to come spend time with us. DD from the start was more timid with both of them than the last time. The teacher attempted several times to engage DD in conversation, with little response. She did sit with the two of them and engaged in the "work" that DS had chosen. (A bead-stacking game) I scootched back a bit to try to give them a little space. DD was very aware of my every movement! At one point the HOS asked me to come meet with her in her office. DD would have none of that. She informed me that she would be coming with me. The HOS decided to wait on the meeting. I decided to walk around the room, and informed DD that I was doing so. She insisted on going with me, even though I informed her I'd be in her line of sight at all times. The teacher than informed DD that I would be going into a meeting, and DD threw a fit. She insisted on going, too. She was informed that she would need to sit outside the door. When the teacher attempted to close the door, DD pitched a fit. I suggested we leave the door open a crack, and she agreed to that. While I spoke with the HOS, DD counted to 100 twice. She then informed me she had done so, and agreed to count again. Etc. Several times during the meeting, DS walked in, and was guided out again. Sighs. This just sucks! Anyhow, the HOS showed me a book on anxiety that she had bought, and gave it to me to borrow for two days. I like that she is doing her homework on this stuff. That's cool. And reassuring. The teacher seems more firm. The HOS asked me, point blank, if I would give the teacher permission to carry DD in to school on the first day if need be. I (sick to my stomach) said yes. Have I mentioned that this sucks?

Anyhow, that's how it went. The kids played on the playground for a few minutes after we left, and DS cried when we left saying he would miss the kids! Different kids!!

When we got home, I asked DD if, anxieties aside, she thought she could like the school. She said yes. And she is focusing (kudos to her!) on getting her own fish for the classroom fish tank, and did leave the school discussing that with the teacher, who said she couldn't wait to see it.

Blagh. Orientation night, for parents, on Thursday.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

2010-08-24T08:30:00.000-04:00

School will be starting again soon. Very soon. 14 days. But writing that makes it feel as if it's not really that soon, so already I feel a bit better writing this down. But it's still looming. And I feel it in every cell of my body. Ugh.

Here's the deal. DD is extremely anxious about school. I have written a little about this before. She has what I call an unofficially diagnosed anxiety disorder. Whatever that means. What it means in real life is that she handles transitions differently than the "average" child. This is true for small transitions, such as a friend arriving or leaving, to huge transitions, such as starting a new school. She handles the smaller transitions by never saying hello or goodbye when people arrive or leave (that includes strangers or those who are close to her, including me.) She handles the bigger transitions in direct ways ("I won't be going to school) and indirect ways (large fear of needing to use the bathroom while at school, which became such an intense focus during the end of the last school year that it spanned the summer break.)

To add to this, DD is being parented by not one, but two people who also have some difficulty managing anxiety effectively. Ak! For my part, I'm not always sure I can make the best decisions for her based on my tendency to avoid stressful situations myself. I spend a lot of time processing and questioning every situation. I also come at all of this with a bit of impatience. Not lack of empathy. Of that I have plenty. But I do become impatient easily. And so.

This year, DD will be attending a new school. No, not the easiest thing for a child with transition issues. But I strongly feel that the potential benefits of the new school will make the transition worth while. I am so hopeful!!

When faced with a transition, I try to mentally pull myself back from the situation and look at it objectively. What makes a new situation less scary? Familiarity, right? So I've made it my job to help DD become familiar with the new school. I tried on four different occasions to get together with the family of another girl who attends the new school. When I visited the school with DD (the visits are normally drop-off, but not with DD! She would have none of that.) there were three girls who approached us, after we had been there for an hour, to gently say hello. There was one who especially impressed me as being someone that DD might bond with. I contacted her mother, who readily agreed to get together with us. But after four attempts, and four times of it not working out on their end, I gave up. Damn! I kept in close contact with the Head of School, and communicated openly with her about DD's anxieties and the potential for a difficult initial transition. She agreed with me that several visits to the school during the summer would be a good idea. This has translated into two visits (sighs,) the second of which is today. Just before the first visit a couple of weeks ago, the Head of School informed me that the Lower Elementary school teacher had announced that she was leaving. Ok, glad we didn't bond too much with her! The visit was scheduled on a day the new teacher would be there setting up. They had summer camp going on that day, and DD and DS got to see that in action. They were invited into the room with the kids, and DS quickly jumped in. In her style, DD followed him. I had that opportunity to talk with the new teacher, and the HOS, for a few minutes. DD came back to check in with me about once every two minutes. DS ignored me completely. Different kids!! The teacher made attempts to talk with DD, which were fairly successful. To her credit, she asked DD about things she was interested in, taking the spot light off of her. This is a very good tactic with DD, and she spoke freely about her garden and her cats. We had the opportunity to go out on the playground for a few minutes before leaving. DD very much wanted to go back in to say goodbye - a very good sign. I had spoken with the HOS about the camp program, and thought that it would be a very good thing for both kids to attend one week of camp. DD could get more used to the classroom she would be in, and she could be there with DS for the week. Can you guess how that went over? She flat out refused, saying she would just start school there. Ok.....

That visit was two weeks ago. In the meantime, we have had to purchase some supplies and start planning for the start of school. Of course this has meant increased anxiety on DD's part, and a few "I'm not going to school"s. And an increased concern about the bathroom.

You see, DD refuses to use the bathroom at school. Unless I'm there. Which I'm not. At the end of last school year, she was wearing a pull-up. No kidding. It was the difference between going to school a little tearful and nervous, and her having a full-out panic attack at drop-off. And this was a school she had been at for two years. It's not that she is unable. She is perfectly independent in this area at home, and often will insist on going on her own while we're out. (yay!) But not at school.

So yesterday I made the decision to offer her the pull-up option for the first week of school. Oh I didn't want to do that! But DD will also be asked to walk in to the school, from my car, with the teacher, and not me. And that's new. And scary. And huge. And after all, is it really that big a deal? Can we focus on a few mountains at a time? Will her stubborn-ness make that a bad decision in the long run? Will the new school make me proud of my decision and ease her anxiety enough to encourage her to face her fears in this area? At what point do I push? And how hard?

Let me add to all of this that DD also won't eat at school. Is this because eating results in need of the bathroom? Yes, probably. But she also doesn't like to do anything that people can watch her doing, without her approval, and that includes eating. This became an issue back in pre-k, at snack time. The kids were asked the "question of the day" while the ate, and DD refused both!

And so on.

So I'm a nervous wreck. And trying not to show it!! And of course kids are very aware.

To the school's credit, they are working with me to help her. The HOS bought a book on child anxiety. She has offered some ideas, such as suggesting DD have her own fish in the class fish tank. (Nice one! DD is very psyched about this!) And she has been very open to talking with me.

So today we visit again. And the countdown is on. Breathe in, breathe out. I just reminded her, and got an emphatic "No! I don't want to!" Ohhhhhhh.......

Infinity/Convertible Dress - Sewing Tutorial

2010-08-09T15:20:00.001-04:00

I found a free online tutorial for a dress. Now, I am not a dress wearer. It is truly a rare occasion. I do enjoy wearing skirts when I"m in the mood, but even that is not frequently. But after reading this tutorial, I couldn't keep myself from making one. I don't know why. It just pulled at me for some reason. So before I could talk myself out of it, I ordered a whole bunch of fabric online. Now I was committed!

First things first, let me give credit where credit is due. Here is the link to the tutorial I followed: Infinity Dress Tutorial

I then found a blog which also covers this tutorial, with some additional helpful information thrown in: Blog of Tutorial

Here is a picture of the dress I made in ONE hour!

And here's how you do it!

Find yourself some nice, stretchy fabric. At least 40% stretch is recommended.

You will need four pieces to make this dress. A circle for the skirt, two loooooong pieces for the straps, and a strip for the waist band.

Circle: Measure your waist and divide this number by 6.28. (Read about it in the original tute) Now determine the length you want the skirt part to be. Add the two numbers. Now create a pattern piece for your skirt. You will probably need to create a half circle pattern piece, then either fold your fabric double to create a circle, or cut two half-circles (if you are tall or have fabric that is not wide enough) and sew them together. So.... make one of these:

The small cut out is the waist of your skirt. Take the first measurement number you came up with, your waist measurement divided by 6.28. Using a string the same length as that number and a pen(cil), draw an arc. Then measure another string the length of your skirt PLUS the number you came up with for the waist. Measure from the same starting point on the material (which, by the way, can be interfacing, poster board, cardboard, whatever you can come up with!) and draw another arc. Cut on both lines, and you will have created the pattern piece for your skirt.

(Questions?)

Straps: You will want the pieces to be 1 1/2 times your height (yeah, really!) The width will be the measurement from the middle of your rib cage to beneath your under arm. Yep, these are LONG pieces.

Waistband: The waistband should be about 2" long by the measurement of your waist. You'll want to measure it so that the stretchiest direction of the fabric goes around your waist. Know what I mean?

Ok. Now lay the skirt piece with the WRONG side UP. You'll be stitching on the inside. You will lay your two strap pieces with RIGHT sides UP. Overlap the strap pieces on one end by about 3-4". The raw edges of the straps will go right up against the raw edge of the waist.

Now, take the waist band piece and fold it in half lengthwise. This part has confused a lot of people, so please take note. The waist band will not be seen when the dress is completed. It is stitched to the INSIDE of the waist, mostly for structural integrity. This part might seem odd, but it works. Have faith! Starting where the two straps overlap, place the raw edges of the waistband piece along with the raw edges of the waist and strap edges. You will have five layers of fabric at the starting point. Stitch the waist band all the way around the waist, overlap just a little bit when you get back to your starting point, and finish.

Flip your dress right side out...

...and try it on! There are a few ways to wrap the straps. Go to the two links above for ideas.

And now...take a bow!

Paperback Book Swapping

2010-08-08T16:10:00.000-04:00

One of the ways I reduce stress and transition from day to night is to read. I have been reading before bed for most of my life. My parents always read before bed, and I took to it so much that it is simply what I do. It is part of the routine. And I love it. It takes me away for a while.

The other day, a friend of mine posted on Facebook about this website called PaperbackSwap. It is a place for people to go to offer and request used books. The books come from members all over the country, who are simply looking to trade. The service is completely free. When someone requests a book from you, you pay for the shipping costs. When you request a book, the sender pays the shipping costs. An added bonus (I LOVE this) is that you can set up an account on the site and print the shipping label at home, even if it's over 13 oz. And the paper with the shipping label on it becomes the wrapper! Too easy.

Anyhow, I think it's great. I have had 3 book requests within the two days I've been a member, and I've requested two. You receive a credit, good for 1 book, after listing 10 that you have for offer, and for each book that you send out. You use one per request. You can also list or request hard cover books and audio books. (audio books "cost" 2 credits.)

Oh, and if you're looking for a book not currently listed by a member, you are placed on a waiting list, and you can see what number you are in line for each book.

It's worth checking out: PAPERBACK BOOK SWAP

Mothering Magazine Has A New Blog

2010-08-06T20:14:00.000-04:00

Mothering Magazine has a new blog, and they want to get the word out. So go check it out! If you've ever checked out Mothering Magazine, you know that it focuses on natural parenting and is a fantastic resource. I receive it myself, and have been a reader for quite a while. In return for spreading the word on their new blog, they mention your blog in return. So in return for helping a great group of folks spread some great information, you get a little free advertising for your blog. Well worth it, methinks!

Here's the link to their blog: MOTHERING

=)

GAPS Progress

2010-08-04T15:53:00.031-04:00

I have decided to keep a log of my progress with the GAPS diet and how I am feeling. Maybe not so interesting to you, but it will help to keep me motivated and organized with all of this.

Just to add to the mix, I have also started taking B-complex vitamins. I am already taking a probiotic once a day, calcium, vitamin D, multivitamins and fish oil.

Day 1: One slice sprouted grain bread. Not on GAPS, but eaten prior to commitment. Coffee with non-dairy creamer and honey. Canned chicken noodle soup. (also eaten before commitment) hummus and vegetables for lunch. Pork and turnip greens for dinner. Guacamole with veggies for evening snack.

Feeling: I slept very long and well last night. Felt baseline tired. Better than the complete exhaustion I have been feeling.

Day 2: Coffee with creamer and honey. Black beans with seasonings and olive oil. Banana Lunch - asparagus with seasoning, almonds. Oranges. Dinner - hubby loves me! He made a fantastic salad with turkey and swiss cheese, and lots of veggies and a fermented dressing! YUM.

Feeling: DS woke up hungry just after 4am. Went back to sleep with him from about 6am-7:30am. Tired from that. But not feeling miserable. Doing well with diet today. A little bit of energy/enthusiasm. A little. But that's an improvement!

Day 3: Coffee with milk today (ran out of creamer) I hate milk, so I only used a little. I also dislike this honey, bleh. Great way to wean. (ha) Breakfast - left over fabulous salad from last night. Delicious and filling. Mid-morning snack - almonds. Lunch - swiss cheese slices, yogurt (just read that this is contraindicated, whoops), one taste of peanut butter before I realized it had fillers that aren't ok), red grapes. Snack - grapes, cheddar cheese. Dinner - Hubby made GAPS friendly chili. YUM. Feels good to feel full after dinner. I seem to have trouble achieving that during the day now.

Feeling: Started off pretty well. My spirits seem to be rising. I'm actually thinking of some fun stuff we could do today instead of dreading the day. Not bounding with enthusiasm, but not hating my fate, either. Progress. Day filled with friends = fun and good spirits all around. I'm starting to get that hungry feeling that comes with any diet. I hate that. But hubby is bringing home more nuts and nibbles. Hope it helps. Bonus: the kids eat more healthy snacks as a result of this diet. Getting weird periodic BO every day for the last 3 or 4 days. It happened once before several days ago. Doesn't seem to be due to heat or anxiety. Part of my imbalance. Embarrassing. Comes and goes seemingly randomly.

Day 4: Breakfast - Coffee, canned chicken (supposed to be fresh or frozen,,,,babysteps!) with celery and a little fermented dressing, almonds, melon. Lunch - seasoned white navy beans and canned beets (supposed to be fresh or frozen, oh well) A small square of cheese, unknown type. I am full, and so happy to be!

Feeling: Hungry. Tired today, but a more normal SAHP tired. DS has been sleeping restlessly. He has a tendency to not want to eat at dinner time, so he wakes up hungry during the very early morning. Hubby really pushed him to eat last night, so he slept better, but was up before 7am after conking out a little early after having no nap yesterday. Feeling that I need a break from the kids. =( Feeling quite a bit better after eating lunch. I am full, and my mood is a bit better. Still don't feel like tackling the world, but I'm WILLING to. Ended up spending hours outside at a park, which was great. Need to do more of that. Still very tired coming home, but pleased with the day. BO again... weird. But the bloating I was getting after eating anything before GAPS has not returned at all.

Day 5: Breakfast - coffee, small amount of scrambled eggs. Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - swiss cheese (quite a bit), almonds Dinner - take-out BBQ. I ate various meats and collard greens.

Feeling: Sluggish start. DD not feeling well. Another day inside. Sighs. I am feeling very grateful for my husband. He has been so helpful with this diet! He is cooking GAPS friendly meals for me every night. Yesterday I mentioned to him that I am feeling conflicted about whether to stick with the diet on our vacation next week or not. He responded immediately that there would be many options for me, and that if it would help, he would follow the diet with me as well. Wow! I really went from feeling like I might forget the diet for the week, to feeling regained confidence that I should stick with it. Thank you hubby! =) Spent the afternoon in the house while DD watched tv, then fell asleep. Feeling content.

Day 6: Breakfast - Coffee w/creamer and honey, navy beans, cheddar cheese, fermented dressing. Some banana. Content. Lunch - Subway sub without the bread! Basically a salad, with turkey, cheese, and tons of veggies, including hot peppers. Yummy. Didn't use dressing. Snack - swiss cheese Very full. Dinner - King crab! with butter. asparagus

Feeling: Frenzied. Kids are very needy this a.m. Crisis cleaning for DD's guest. Tired, even after conking out very early with the kids. Pretty good day. Needy DD, but happy with a play date. Got out for an hour by myself - most lovely. I think I'm gaining weight!

Day 7: Breakfast - Coffee (read the GAPS foods list a little more carefully yesterday and realized that coffee is on the list!!! It's supposed to be weak, but hey, it's on there!!! So it's only the creamer that is a no-no.) Seasoned navy beans with cheddar cheese. Lunch - more beans, canned chicken, a little fermented dressing. It was at lunch today that I started to add hubby's bone broth (beef) to my food. I tried drinking it but didn't prefer it that way. Snack - bananas and peanut butter. Dinner - a huge pile of string beans, corn with butter, salad with cheese added and fermented dressing. Bone broth in there, too. Just getting small amounts now. I'll have to get used to it. It's good, just bland. Better mixed in. Evening snack - melon

Feeling: Not bad. I actually got up before the rest of the family and had a few (very few, but I'll take it!) minutes to myself. I hate Mondays in general, and always start the week off with a deep sigh, but all things considered, I feel pretty good. Spend the morning at the park. Kids were happy - me too. Home to watch a movie, put the kids in the tub, and basically hung out. Pretty content. Mood has been unusually positive today. (for lately. I am a positive person, just not lately.)

Day 8: Breakfast - coffee, a coupla pistachios, chick peas (can I have that? Shoot...I think not maybe. Only had one bite) Nope, threw it out! Try again. Nuts, cheese. Blah. Lunch - lettuce mix, swiss cheese, bone broth, fermented dressing. Tired of the dressing flavor now. Need a break from it. Very surprising how full I am after one bowl of salad with no veggies added! I was hungry, too. The fullness was more like bloating, which lasted a while, then went away. Weird! Snack - popcorn with butter and salt Dinner - Chicken Tangene (chicken, onion, olive oil, garlic, cinnamon, ginger, olives, pepper) polenta (just looked on the foods list for corn, I"m not supposed to be eating it! I've been eating corn on the cob, popcorn and now polenta. SHOOT! =( lentils, (beef stock, curry powder) Very good, filling meal. Wish I'd realized about the corn.

Feeling: Tired, blah. Kids being basically good, but resistant to getting out. Annoying. Got out, kids happy. I felt better being out, too. Kids were very good at grocery store. Kinda blah, but doing ok. Afternoon inside, which is ok. Slowly getting things done. Tired. We ended up spending the afternoon in. The kids watched a lot of tv. Still kinda tired.

Day 9: Breakfast - coffee. Seasoned lentils. Lunch - canned chicken, seasoned lentils, bone broth, hot sauce. Hated it, threw most of it out. Pineapple. Snack - swiss cheese, celery with peanut butter.

Feeling: Tired. I had trouble falling asleep, which is very unusual for me these days! Weird. Also, lots of my "symptoms" presenting this morning. Itchy scalp, bloated feeling after supplements, carpal tunnel flare up. Into the afternoon, tired and bored of the summer (non) routine. Kids, too. Went out for a bit. Stomach so empty it hurt. Had a snack upon return. Stomach bloated and uncomfortable, don't feel full. Not a happy body today. Not a happy mood today, either.

Day 10: Breakfast - Coffee, banana, swiss cheese. Lunch - seasoned black beans (not on good foods list OR bad foods list, so I'm eatin' 'em!) kiwi, seasoned asparagus. A bit of pear. Left over coffee from this a.m. Happy with my lunch. Snack - swiss cheese, peanut butter Dinner - salad with veggies and dressing. Peanut butter. Blah. Tired of this diet.

Feeling: Worn down, the usual. But getting excited for our trip. Nice to feel excited about anything. Belly has been feeling a little weird. Hungry, then overly full after I eat. Not enjoying that aspect of this. But I feed myself better at some meals than others, too. Mood is fair - pretty good. Evening - a little irritable, just want to be home. Getting annoyed with the diet. Unsatisfied.

Day 11: Breakfast - left-over salad. Lunch - canned chicken with onion, pepper and peas. Good.

Feeling: Mixed. I slept long last night. I'm always tired and I am today. Lots to do today...feeling excited for trip but I HATE packing. Ok with diet today so far. While the weird random body odor has seemed to stay away for a day or two, I am getting hot flashes! Could it be? Or is it PMS? Sighs.

I quit the diet. I miss carbs. I don't feel any more awake or any less symptomatic, and I'm going on a cruise in two days, and I don't want to be on a diet while cruising. If I really felt it was making any kind of difference, I would be motivated, but I don't, and I want to enjoy myself while on vacation. If that seems like a cop-out, I'm sorry. But I feel good about it. The only difference I felt was the addition of hunger pangs to all of my other *stuff* and that sucked. Anyhow, that's the deal. Cheers! (raising my NON-GAPS bottle-o-booze!!)

GAPS Diet - Healing Myself Through Food

2010-08-04T14:37:00.000-04:00

I am putting myself on the GAPS diet.

For those unfamiliar, here is the LINK to the GAPSdiet page. In a nutshell, it's a diet designed for those with digestive issues, and it is supposed to "heal" the gut, so that over time, a person is able to tolerate foods that they cannot currently.

I am using it for other reasons. I have become so worn down that I find I cannot enjoy myself. I have little energy, little enthusiasm. I have a rash on my scalp that I am unable to get rid of. I have body odor for no reason. I could easily fall asleep at just about any time of the day, including just after waking up in the morning-even after a "good" night's sleep. I have been feeling bloated often, typically after eating, even if it's a small amount.

And that just ain't me. I miss feeling good! I want to wake up psyched every day. I want it back!

I believe we can make ourselves feel better as long as we have some clue as to how to get there. For some reason, obvious things can be so hard to achieve. Exercise makes us feel better. Duh. Do I exercise? Hardly. Eating garbage will likely make us feel like garbage. Do I eat garbage? I do. Staying inside all day can make us feel down and unmotivated. Do I spend a lot of time inside? I do! It's hard to change!!

But feeling like this stinks, and so I am motivated. My only indulgence over the last two days has been my morning coffee, which includes non-dairy creamer and honey. Yes, badbadbad, but it's a process. (I know, I always say that, but c'mon, I can't deal with a diet change and caffeine withdrawal all at once - I will fail!) Other than my coffee and one slice of sprouted-grain bread yesterday morning (before I had decided to commit to this,) I have eaten only what is on the Recommended Foods list on the GAPS diet website. And by some miracle, I actually feel full and satisfied. At least at the moment. I hate diets. Make no mistake! I am always hungry, which I hate. But the one thing I like about the GAPS diet is that there is a long list of foods that are ok. It's much easier to refer to that than to try to eliminate one or two things from my diet, such as gluten or milk.

So here goes nothing. I feel that I can only go up from here! I will blog my progress, for anyone interested. And for motivation.

And I am most fortunate (as I do not like to cook) that hubby really enjoys cooking, and is enthusiastic about making bone broths, which are strongly recommended for this diet.

Wish me luck.

Adrenal Fatigue

2010-08-01T19:17:00.000-04:00

I have been searching for the reason(s) that I am so tired, some times down, and have a general lack of energy. One concept keeps popping up: Adrenal Fatigue.

This concept was first suggested to me by a couple of the members of the Holistic Moms Network. In a nutshell, the idea is that being a stay-home parent and being "on" ALL the time puts a tremendous amount of strain on the adrenal glands. Meeting the demands of every member of the family, plus all of the other responsibilities that come along with the job basically puts the body in "alert" mode all the time, with little time to recharge. Over time, the adrenals basically burn out. One of women that I communicated with about this from HMN blogged about her experience HERE. It pretty closely explains where I am.

Then today I did a Google search with this in the search box: "exhausted, down, no energy." One of the results was a website which caught my eye. It is called NaturalNews.com and the article is called: The hidden dangers of caffeine: How coffee causes exhaustion, fatigue and addiction It basically says exactly the same thing, only the culprit is caffeine. Caffeine causes ups and downs (we all know this, we drink it for that up!!) and when the "down" comes, often time we reach for more coffee or other stimulant to bring us back up. The result is the same, the body is given that fightfightfight signal constantly. Eventually the adrenal glands get fatigued and worn out.

Both of these situations cause exhaustion, fatigue, lack of energy, depression, and so forth.

And so, here I am, a stay-home parent who is "on" all the time, and who has been drinking coffee every morning (and sometimes afternoon) for years. Such an easy thing to test. Reduce the caffeine and find ways to unwind. Ok, so it's not easy. But it's something I can try on my own, and it could make a huge difference.

Along with the B-complex vitamins I just got! ;)

Essential Oils - Illness Caused By The Oils

2010-07-26T10:36:00.000-04:00

For months, I have been trying to figure out what causes me to feel so lousy while I am home.

When in or near my kitchen, I sneeze. And sneeze and sneeze. And get congested. And my ears get plugged up. Sometimes my throat gets scratchy. And I get (minor) headaches. And terrible sinus pressure. Something in this kitchen is incompatible with me!

So over the last several months, I have gradually tried to figure out what is causing the problem. I move slowly, as I'm a stay-home mom with two young kids. Other things are prioritized, most of the time! Anyhow, I have tried to figure out what the newer items are in my environment. Those include soap nuts (maybe a year now?), and essential oils (several months.) My friend suggested that the multiple computer components and printer in the kitchen may be "outgassing" and causing some of the problem. We also got two cats. (about 2 months ago)

Soap nuts: I did a trial of testing the soap nuts some months ago. I removed them from the house, and for a couple of months, used other methods for cleaning our clothes. I still sneezed. I brought them back into the house.

Computer components: I removed everything from the kitchen but my lap top.

Cats: The cats are everywhere in our house except for the bedroom. While I wouldn't doubt that they contribute to my sneezles, I don't seem to have the problem upstairs. Just around the kitchen.

Essential Oils: Sighs. When I'm near my bag that held the EOs, I sneeze. But I so wanted it to be something else that I testing every other thing first. But facts are facts. When I apply certain EOs to myself or my kids, I sneeze. And sneeze. And sneeze.

Last week we went on vacation. Upon our departure I was feeling so lousy that I really looked forward to a week outside of our house, and the much desired return to feeling healthy that I hoped that would bring. I left feeling sinusy, exhausted ALL the time, and depressed. I was also premenstrual, but I hadn't felt that crummy, even premenstrual, in years. I felt AWFUL. So off we went. For most of the week, I cycled through periods of feeling exhausted. I was MOODY. I never felt the internal thrill that comes with going on vacation. Going to the beach was a burden, not a joy. What the heck was wrong with me??

I realized pretty quickly that I had brought my problem with me on vacation. At least in part. I finally took the bag that contained my EOs out to the car. And the soap nuts that I had brought went out, too. It didn't do enough to help the vacation at that point, but as soon as I returned home, I took all of the oils from my bag and from the shelf in my kitchen, and closed them up tight in a plastic container. I stuck them in the laundry room.

And I'm feeling much better. MUCH better. Yes, I do sneeze a bit when I first come downstairs in the morning. I chalk that up, probably, to cat hair. But my nose is not congested. My sinuses aren't swollen. I have no headache, no sore throat, and my mood is much better! I'm still waiting a day or two to see if the bouts of exhaustion settle down. But so far, so good. I'm always tired. That comes with the territory. But it had gotten to the point where I was having trouble functioning.

EOs are as different as the plants they come from, so I know, of course, that I am not allergic to all of them. I own, currently, somewhere between 10-15 different oils. That's 10-15 different plant extracts I have brought in to my home in a very concentrated form. Wow, how's that for an allergy test? Total submersion. So I guess the next step is to try them out one at a time. Now I know there are some that cause me to sneeze immediately. Bergamot, for one. And that is most unfortunate, as I credit Bergamot oil for helping me to wean off of steroid creams in my battle against eczema. I also believe Lavender causes the sneezles for me. But I'll know for sure over the coming weeks as I test them.

But boy am I glad to be feeling better. Phew.

Hostage

2010-07-12T16:41:00.000-04:00

My daughter is 5. She has undiagnosed (except by me) generalized anxiety disorder. And that's ok. But it's challenging.

One aspect of this is that transitions are challenging for her. This has always been true. The way this manifests itself these days is for her to put up tremendous opposition to moving on to the next "event." An example of this: This morning I suggested to her that we take her little brother to the library for the parent/child program. Keep in mind she has been to this program many times, and always enjoys it. And once she's there, she doesn't want to leave. And so! But regardless of this fact, she stated that she didn't want to go. As a general rule, if either of my kids really doesn't want to go out, I don't push it. We all have days where we just don't feel like facing things. But usually, they are pretty enthusiastic about heading out to have a good time. So armed with all of this knowledge, I pushed. I told her that I felt that it was good for her brother, who really enjoys being there. I reminded her that she always enjoys it, too. Etcetcetc. She stated over an over again, for an hour that she didn't want to go. So I gave her the option of staying home. With someone else. Another part of her anxiety is that she is very reluctant to stay with anyone other than me, and that includes her father a lot of the time. (SIGHS!) So of course she said no to that idea. She stated that someone else should take her brother, while I stayed home with her. Now I am real with my daughter - may more so than I should be. I informed her that I did not plan to be stuck at home all of the time because she doesn't want to go out and doesn't want to stay with someone else. (I am irritated by this point, even though it's practically a daily discussion) I inform her that she has a choice of either coming with us to the program, or staying home with someone else. And I feel good about giving her options. It makes me feel that I am not forcing her to go somewhere she doesn't want to go, that the final decision IS hers.

In any event, after trying to convince her brother that he didn't want to go (he did) she reluctantly came along. But here's the next phase of her anxiety. She is afraid to go anywhere because she's afraid she'll need to use the bathroom on the way. This is something we are working on, but it is very frustrating for all, and adds to the angst that is every outing we go on. So I do as I always do, inform her that we're leaving, and encourage her to use the bathroom. And as always, she informs me that she'll go "right before we leave." And as always I then inform her that we are heading out the door. So she goes. Then she jumps into a discussion about how she just knows she has to go again, and on and on and on. And go into my part of the discussion, which is to remind her that she just went, and that she has successfully managed car rides before this one, etcetcetc. She is actually on a reward system for this one. But that's another post.

So at long last we are all in the car, and on our way. With bathroom breaks sandwiching the program, we do actually get there, and as predicted, both kids have a good time, and darling daughter doesn't want to leave. But it is a reward of sorts for me, who is then off the hook for having "made" her go in the first place. She genuinely seems surprised, once we're out, that she is having such a good time and is happy.

But it's work. And I get tired of it. And I know it's not her fault. I know she would rather not have these issues. And I feel for her. But I feel, sometimes, too often, that I am held hostage by her anxiety issues. I rarely get out of the house or do anything without the children. When I do, I worry about getting home before too much time has gone by. And I am envious, sometimes, of the other parents who go out with other adults. On a consistent basis. Hubby and I very rarely have time together without the kids. And that's hard on us.

But I remind myself of how lucky I am. How very lucky. And we move forward. And it's all ok.

Natural Yeast Infection Remedies

2010-07-06T11:34:00.007-04:00

I recently gave a shout out to the Holistic Moms Network email loop regarding natural remedies and comfort measures for feminine yeast issues. As is always the case, I was and am overwhelmed and thrilled with the number and depth of the replies I have received. I know that many out there could benefit from this information, so I would like to share it. This is information only. I have yet to try most of them out.

+ Yogurt. Several replies I received from the group suggested plain yogurt containing live cultures as a cure and soothing measure. Use as a "wash." Can combine with baking soda. Here's one source of info: LINK

+Take Probiotics. Mentioned several times. High quality probiotic recommended. If taking one and getting infections, try changing to a different probiotic. One suggested a more "potent" brand with more "strains."

+ Baking Soda. Unclear as to how this is used. Can be drying - use sparingly. Can combine with yogurt for external wash.

+ Vinegar. Mentioned a couple of times. Dilute as it can sting. One suggested apple cider vinegar specifically. This is allegedly helpful if the issue is bacterial. Can be used in the bath.

+ Alkaline Water. (Water with lemon) Aren't lemons acidic?? Anyhow, this was suggested. I also read that keeping the body slightly alkaline helps, as acidity can cause all sorts of issues. I would suggest doing an internet search on ways to achieve this. There are diets out there that promote this concept.

+ Hydrogen Peroxide. Dilute as it can sting. Increase H2o2 as conditions improve. Use internally.

+Stay Away From: Simple sugars (mentioned by several people) and citrus. White sugar, flour, rice, any refined sugars.

+ Body Ecology Diet. Suggested if the issue is ongoing. Internet search will bring up info. on this diet. I have read some about it.

+ Understand What You Are Dealing With. Is it bacteria or yeast? They can present in the same way.

+ Sachromyces. Apparently this is a yeast that eats other yeasts. It came highly recommended by one person, who says it can be bought in health food stores. I will do more research on this and report back.

+ Tea Tree Essential Oil. I have read different accounts of how to use tea tree. Some say a few drops on a tampon works. Others say it must be diluted with a carrier oil first, then applied to the tampon. One woman from the list says that tea tree worked for her again and again, but then she developed tea tree resistant strains.

+ Diva Cup. Yeast infections are allegedly a common issue with users of the Diva Cup.

+ Vitamin D. One woman suggested that deficiency in vitamin D can contribute to yeast infections.

+ Men. Men can get yeast infections also. If a woman is getting them, her man may be, too.

+ Garlic. I've read accounts of it being used both on the inside and eaten for benefits. On the inside, either place a clove whole or minced into some cheese cloth and insert. I'll need to look up the length of time it stays. I don't recall. But one person suggested overnight. Don't forget some dental floss or something to tie it and for easy removal.

+ Milk Thistle Glycerite/ Dandelion Glycerite. I have no idea, at this point, what these are, but they are allegedly good liver support. It seems that conventional medications for yeast infections can be hard on the liver.

+ Honey. Messy, this one! Plan to bathe afterwards. External.

I will be doing some more research in this area, but this is what I have at this point. I hope it's helpful. If any of you would like more info in any particular area, let me know. I'm happy to start there. Here is a neat website with a number of different natural approaches to curing/managing yeast infections: LINK

JEDSpeak

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Selective Mutism At My House - From Sick Back To Anxious

Sick Days

Vacation (A Day in the Life)

Natural High

A Day In The Life

Selective Mutism At My House - Seeking Professional Guidance

Surrounded

Selective Mutism At My House - A Family Affair

Selective Mutism At My House - Cycling

Selective Mutism At My House - Failure? Success!

Tea Tree Oil As Antibacterial (etc.)

Selective Mutism At My House - School Field Trips

Selective Mutism At My House - "I Hate"

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Trauma

Eucalyptus Globulus Essential Oil For Cold/Chest Congestion

The Dangers of Lysol and Other "Cleaning" Products

"Warning

Ethanol

Health Eating - Baked Chick Peas

Candida Diet vs. GAPS diet

Metamucil Can Cause Heartburn

Candida Diet - Maintenance Phase

Parsley

Quinoa

Candida Diet - Middle of Week 3

The Health Benefits of Nuts and Seeds

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The Benefits of Lemon Juice

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Candida Diet - One Week Down

Candida Diet - Phase One

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